Kitabı oxu: «Sex & Intimacy 101»

1 The sex act

I couldn’t wait to write this book, and I guess you couldn’t wait to get a copy of it, and read it in secrecy. And as I wrote it, I knew a dichotomy of some sort would manifest.The book would become a toast to the death of my good reputation as a preacher, and to the growth of my involvement in candid writing. In case they haven’t told you, this book is about learning how to shag someone until they experience inexplicable bliss. It’s about learning how to give your lover the best sexual experience ever. I think we have books that talk about prevention, safe sex—or sex as a taboo. Books that talk in terms of who we shouldn’t have sex with and what age we shouldn’t have sex and I thus have to excuse myself from speaking of sex from a ‘‘forbidden fruit’’ spectrum. I am a preacher, and a teacher of the word of God, and I have written many books about God and his word. But this time, I present to you a book that is a sexual manual of some sort. This book is what you will need to give your lover the kind of sex she or he has never had. In fact, if you read it well, and practice being a master at sex, your lover will be dying for the next experience. You won’t have to beg for it—no, not anymore. I think it is perplexing to you that a preacher of all the people should take on the work of a sex therapist by writing a ‘‘near porn’’ book. This is why I am going to ask you for one little favor (and that should be done before you delve immensely into this sex manual). I want you to ‘‘wear my shoes’’ and feel what I felt before I sat down convinced that we need a book on sex urgently. For many years, people came to me for advice on issues pertaining to sex.Many of them had endured frustrated sex lives that had grown into full-blown divorces and had ventured into sex with prostitutes. Others were having nightmares over previous molestations while others had learned to survive the agony of boring sex for the good of matrimonial fidelity. We have prayed for some and adviced some, but to my shock, the bulk of people I met with just didn’t know what it is to have sex that is not only pleasant in nature but also ‘‘tantric’’ and adventurous. Because of this, they kept searching for good sex from different people and thus were involved in what I term “serial monogamy”. And they never found it, let alone got satisfied by exploring everybody they met. The root of this people’s problems was not the absence of sex, it was the failure to enjoy it with the first person they fell in love with. What would you have done if you were me? Would you have relentlessly prayed for God to lead them to wondrous sex in some miraculous way? I had people ask me if God can increase their penises, and these very people who were in search of a bigger penis were not aware that they have failed to use the small one that God had given them. These people simply needed to be taught how to have proper sex instead of being given the telephone number of a consultant who can turn that penis into a donkey’s length or an anaconda between one’s legs.

Then we have had cases where a pastor sexed the daylights out of a victim instead of playing his proper role of pastoring. Of recent, radio, television newspapers and social-media have been abuzz with a sexual scandal whereby a pastor is alleged to have sexed someone under the claim that this person would be healed through being sexed. Obviously, the pastor is wrong to claim ‘‘sexual healing’’ is at stake when in fact he is just manipulating the person for his own good. In my own view, the pastor is sexually dissatisfied and preys on his members. Despite the fact that he gets sex in such nefarious ways, he is a hungry man who needs to have fulfilling sex and that might just remove the sex pest syndrome in him.

But that aside, sometimes shy women, who are tired of their sex lives due to the level in which they have become horrific instead of terrific, start wishing they had a sexual relationship with the pastor and can seduce him. We always are perplexed if not horrified when a pastor falls prey to a sex scandal, but hardly for a second wonder if the ‘‘victimized’’ is merely a horny individual who hasn’t had a decent shag for years and has allowed herself to become the pastor’s pancake only to turn around to play victim and say ‘‘pastor, how could you do this to me?’’ Now, let’s not try to find out who is the witch or wizard in any ‘‘pastor’’ and ‘‘victim’’ issues, coz some of the people we call pastors are not even pastors and some of the people we feel sympathetic towards are not even victims. It’s just a complicated sex game. Months ago, a ‘‘pastor’’ asked his congregants to give him a blow-job from the pulpit—and they did! Another ‘‘pastor’’,is alleged to be kissing women’s butts to give them ‘‘good luck.’’ They line up naked by the beach and he kisses their bums! Are those true pastors? That may take some time to answer, but I am sure they are sex hungry individuals wearing church garments. So, those ‘‘pastors’’ are not mad people but sex hungry people gone crazy.

On the flip-side, the so-called victim could also be lonely, unsexed and naive. So, why not write a book on sex, particularly one that promotes sexual enjoyment instead of spending time praying against demons when people are merely experiencing sexual hunger masquerading as spiritual confusion? If our society experiences acute food shortages, there will be thieves raiding shops at gunpoint. There will be tricky people who try to swindle you out of your hard earned money or groceries. The problem will simply emanate from a hunger problem. I believe today, our men and women are hungry for good sex. They don’t know how to enjoy it to their satisfaction. That’s the crisis in today’s world. Despite the hunger, we are secretive. In Africa, sex is a pleasant taboo, such that people secretly enjoy sex or fail at it without ever saying it. Rightly put by me, when it comes to sex, we are all introverts. The most talkative guy cannot look at you bull’s eye and tell you ‘‘Man, I just don’t know how to have sex.’’ Ego, tradition and religion just wouldn’t let ’em. Let me not even talk about women, coz a great deal of them are just sexually shy and secretive to the core? You have to be very close to a woman to hear her most confidential views on sex. Which is why I believe my cousin was close enough to me, to open up on the issue of sex...She told me without mincing words that most men have the tendency of wanting sex on the first day of dating. She accused them of being eyes-red horny on the first date. That’s true, but the problem with a lot of us men is that we just haven’t learned anything about sex enough to know when to ask for it or when the fruit is ripe. What’s worse is that only a countable number of us can have envied sex. We turn to react basing on our erection yet without basic sexual knowledge. We are easily driven by the inclination to have sex without the intellectual comprehension of what it truly is.

Then there’s the child in every homestead who has to learn sex all by himself/herself and develops into a sexually naïve young man or woman simply because our communities are more secretive about sex than they are about a computer password. Every year, we turn young people who know nothing about passionate and skillful sex into husbands and wives. The result is that they will experiment and if luck is luck they might do what is expected by nature. Can you imagine anything more horrible than people who reach sexual climax on coincidence? We don’t expect our kids to excel at school by coincidence but we expect them to know how to have sex when they have grown up without having learned anything about it...We teach our kids how to eat, defecate and even how to walk, but where do they learn issues of sexual intimacy? I have met men who lament about how their wives are not sexual. Some currently have secret sex partners on the side, they are secretly going to notorious G-west, Middle-star, Hilbrow and brothels to buy prostitutes, simply because their wives are no longer sexual enough to satisfy them. They complain that their wives have grown fat, unsexy and have become more of mothers instead of the sexy Sharon Stone who used to put up a hot act in their bedrooms. Different people from all walks of life are sexually frustrated and end up having to resort to porn for sexual lessons and consolation. Women haven’t escaped this frustration, that’s why we hear time and again of an extremely rich woman ‘‘happily’’ married who dates a taxi driver on the side, books a room and has sex with him. That should tell you a lot about this woman’s rich husband. Your first guess should be that his sex therapy is in short supply. A lot of people, Christians included, watch porn behind closed doors, but porn itself at times is no more than a bedroom movie made out of fantasy to make money because it just might not teach one the craft of sex like this book you are reading. Porn directors hire models to scream and pretend they are enjoying sex when the whole thing is just pseudo sex and some of the positions are according to one sex therapist and movie director ‘‘ made to suit the videographer’s camera.’’ In other words, porn is designed to make money out of selling naked fantasies and not necessarily to teach us how to have exhilarating sex.

Then there is the issue of sex decline in females around the age of meno-pause. There are faithful men whose lives have almost broken down because their wives are no longer sexually active. And these wives are giving a dozen of excuses for not blasting their men’s libido driven hunger. So these men don’t know what to do, they have tried everything but their wives have just locked their thighs. Menopause does have situations where a woman loses interest in sex. If the duo don’t know what is happening, their lives can be a sexual nightmare. Talk about men whose erection is swallowed by sugar diabetes. What do we do? Do we pray for them? So my friend, what would you have done if you were me? Would you not have written a book that alleviates the problems that originate from poor sex lives? I have paid a big price to write this book. Family members were not excited about it. Fellow pastors criticized me for it. I believe Journalists are going to nail my reputation to make a quick buck out of my boldness. Christians who have been calling me a pagan will upon the release of this book be celebrating my fate. They will say how much of a devil’s child I am. But if you were me, what would you have done? I can no longer afford to be a prisoner of conscience. I would rather die like Oliver Tambo than live as long as Ayatollah Khomeini when the truth lies hidden from many. I guess now you get the reason why I had to write this book despite my ‘‘sanctified’’ calling. Just because I am a preacher, doesn’t mean I should be a ‘‘sanctimonious hypocrite.’’ The world today is looking for people who will face challenges of the day without shame. People who will correct issues and not apologize for that. So, let’s begin the sex lesson that will soon cost me my reputation, but you have to remember that I did this for you. I was just trying to help you to learn how to have the kind of sex that your lover will order from you again and again, the same way you have always preferred the same pizza company. I am just trying to teach you something that no man or woman has ever dreamt you would one day know so explicitly. In fact, your lover is not expecting it from you. But what’s in the offing? I am giving you a chapter on the sex act, sex quadrant, foreplay lessons, sex positions—at least 101 of them (illustrated) plus more...

So, you should be expecting to learn about having good sex, and like I said, I am going to teach you just that. This is a sex manual. It’s just like a car manual. Before you start learning how to drive you have to learn how the car generally behaves. So, before I teach you how to sex a woman or a man excellently and passionately. I am going to show you how both genders are designed sexually. Okay, who is first? Ladies first? Ok lets do men first. Hey, here is a favorable deal: Well, mmm, look, lets do both of them at the same time. Before you deliver ‘‘fat-cake hot’’ sex, you need to know how a man and a woman are structured from a mental and physical point of view. We have to look at the nature of both sexes (psychologically, sexually and physically). So, don’t skip this because it’s part of learning how to have epic performance in the bedroom. It’s high-time you had good sex ,don’t you think? It’s high time we stopped having many kids that need school fees, get low grades and are generally naughty and yet came through a short one night stand. We need to be sexually astute and satisfied. We need to alleviate problems caused by failing to have a good ‘‘shag’’ from society. But let’s start the bonking lesson here...and even if your Christian conscience tells you that you will learn this when you’re married, go on reading. You are not going to know how to have proper sex a few hours into marriage during your honeymoon or instantly after reading this book. You will need to keep on thinking about what I taught you in order to be good at it.

(1) Gender differences

We have often heard people, particularly men say, ‘‘women; you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.’’ One woman used to say, ‘‘men are dogs and women are snakes.’’ Word has it that men are dogs because no matter what you give your dog, it will still harass the neighbor’s dustbin or trip over its clean plate only to eat the food you so intently dished for it from the ground. This saying means that men are seen as greedy devils whom despite being given ‘‘good sex and love’’ by a faithful wife, will afterwards help himself to a prostitute. Women on the other hand are according to that statement known for seducing men to love them and help them, thereafter attacking their helper, mercilessly dumping men after exploiting them hereafter pouncing on the next victim. They say a snake if you should find it in the cold, unable to move, and then take it to the fireplace to warm its cold-blooded being, it’s going to bite you after it has warmed up. The snake is thus compared to women. While it is clear that these statements come from people who have grown tired and frustrated with gender differences and relationship nightmares, I wish all people could understand each other instead of resorting to hopeless conclusions that do not have an atom of truth.

While writing this book, I went to ask my neighbor what she thinks of men and sex. I normally don’t confine my research to church, especially when I am dealing with a problem that affects everyone. So I went to my neighbor, a socialite and occasional drinker. She was painfully honest as she sat there gazing at me with that shroud look on her face that says ‘‘I am not going to give you an answer that soothes your churchy background .’’ Then her face expressed her absence as she thought deeply in protracted silence about men and the question asked. She lit her cigarette, took one long puff and said to me (as smoke gushed out of her mouth and nostrils) that ‘‘men are people who don’t attach much to sex, they can just fuck for the sake of fucking.’’ Whewww! Now, I didn’t say that, she did, so don’t throw this book away yet. Don’t even accuse me of profanity... She went on to say ‘‘men are simple creatures, its easy to read them as a woman, they are not into details, but they are very decisive and love to hide their feelings.’’ Then she said something I have heard many women say, which is that ‘‘men are like babies.’’ Now, I have also heard men, and many of them for that matter, saying that ‘‘women are like babies’’. This shouldn’t shock you because lovers often call each other ‘‘babe.’’ Nowadays its “bae”.

I heard that a lady was breast-feeding her child in a taxi. She kept threatening the child by saying that if she continued playing and not sucking her breasts for milk, she will give them to the man next to her. As she kept holding her ballooned breasts filled with milky delight for the child, the man next to her (a typical stranger) kept looking lustfully at the juicy breasts.The baby wasn’t sucking them breasts. So, mother threatened the baby. “If you don’t suck them,am giving them to uncle”.After the woman gave the fifth threat, this man, asked how many times the woman was going to threaten the child and not execute the threat. I laughed, and wondered whether that’s what we mean when we say men are like babies. Do they need the very things that the baby needs?Yes! Grown up men, suck breasts. Indeed men are like babies, and in a very literal way for that matter. But according to men, it’s the other way round:Women are babies. They are ‘‘unpredictable’’ and ‘‘stressful.’’ and so confusing that even God doesn’t understand them. That’s what they say...

The other day I was traveling with this old pal—a taxi driver who normally takes me around Gabz. Then he saw a ring on my finger and asked me, ‘‘so how is your wife?’’ I saw the look on his face, and that he wanted to share some ‘‘old man secrets’’ with me. So, I just rhetorically responded, ‘‘eeer..she is so so, eish mdala, you know our women...’’ what followed was chuckles as if to say ‘‘I knew it young-man,there are always issues.’’ Then he says to me, ‘‘I have my old woman too, and I have given her everything a woman could want , now she wants to have the little money I make out of this taxi.’’ ‘‘Why would she do that?’’ I asked with that puzzled face and African wonder posture, holding my chin while concurrently folding my arms. But the old man was not at all looking my direction. He was looking at the road like a devoted driver and probably listening attentively to the pain his old wife causes him. He seemed to be comforting his hurt self with a church hymn sang almost in silence. Then he says to me ‘‘eish, my wife ‘ke mathata’, she troubles me, and won’t give me sex. She thinks I am a fool, but I have found a new sex mate, and I won’t tell her that as much as she has stopped being intimate with me and won’t say a word...’’At that moment, his statement deeply hit me, especially because I am a preacher and he doesn’t know it. To hear somebody confessing deliberate adultery like that haunts me the way a zebra is troubled by seeing a ferocious lion. We took a few turns into simple but complicated Gaborone streets, then he dropped me by the anticipated destination. ‘‘ sharp Mdala...’’ I said, and he waved driving away and disappearing into the dust which his Japanese import motor car had created. I could not concentrate on his heart-felt wave. Instead as he drove away, my heart was reeling in shock at a statement so astonishing yet said casually. It dawned on me again that the world is sick and I need to write a book that can heal it. Just the week prior, I was talking to a very close friend of mine. Then he told me about his sex life. He told me candidly—and I think is because we are close, he said ‘‘women in your country seem not to know a thing about sex. They prefer switching off the lights until it’s too dark for us to even look into each other’s eyeballs. Then ignorant bonking takes place. After that dark encounter, there’s no feedback. They just won’t tell you whether the sex was good or bad. Commenting about sex to them is a no-go area’’ This man defends his opinion by suggesting that the idea of switching off lights is so common that Juju boy, a local artist in Botswana, has written the song, hurt me,with the mention of ‘‘ lebone’’ which means ‘‘light or lamp,’’ and the artist hinting that he wants to see his lover. He thinks the musician is complaining against the local mentality of switching off lights before sex. Is he?

I thought it’s only men who often feel that their sex lives are as bitter as an aspirin until I spoke to one lady who used to be my classmate in those far gone years when we were kids ‘‘doing’’ elementary schooling. We did talk typical ex-classmate talk which revolves around history. Then she talked about her kids and her man. Afterwards, I asked her the shocker question...‘‘so, how is the sex?’’ She was immediately in stress-land and releasing the cortisol hormone, yet she blatantly said ‘‘Heish, not good at all, but what can I do? I am a woman, if I tell him about how the sex sucks and how we can improve it, he will say I am a bitch.’’ I was reminded of how in one of our talk shows, a woman said without mincing words that a great deal of men are reputable for pouncing on women without foreplay. Just after brief kissing which cannot even compete with your puppy’s passionate lick of its food bowl, they already think the snake must go out to play. They say in just a minute, the pants are down, and they want the vaginal sliding door to lead them to gloryland. These short tempered brothers who have no idea what it is to romance a woman and bring her to a turn-on level, have ruined the bedroom and the reputation of men. Men, especially here in Africa (though not all of them) are domineering, traditional, naive and yet sexually insane. They love it but they have no idea what a woman thinks and how she feels. And our women, who have grown tired of boring sex are faking climax. They are screaming like a person encapsulated by pleasure when in fact they just want the man to be done—or to come, if that’s the ‘‘big Idea.’’ I hope this day as you read this book, your curiosity has been aroused. If you are a man, I hope you now want to learn how to sex the right way. If you are a woman by now, the damage caused by sexless homes has caused you to want your man to have the kind of sex that will make him think of only you when it comes to sex. It’s time you became jealous enough to think of everything to do for your man to be satisfied enough to not want to know what lies between another woman’s thighs. I believe Mr man, that you should be competent enough to avoid making your lady live with you out of tolerance and loyalty. Yes, women love hot sex, but not more than affection. Sex without romance to them is no better than a vegetarian meal without vegetables. It’s crazy. Its not even bad sex, its no sex at all.... It’s just the rubbing of genitalia.

Now to help you out on this issue, I am not going to go straight into teaching you how to have sex. There are some vital things I am going to teach you that are fundamental. A great deal of books teach about bonking,show sex positions and leave you to them. But sex positions mean nothing if you don’t know sex basics. Learning sex positions before getting the basics is like learning punches and kicks before you learn fighting stances and conditioning your body. It’s like learning how to pray before you learn how to be a Christian. And this is why we are often taught, ‘‘seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all this things will be added unto you.’’(Matthew 6:33). Kunfu masters often provoke their students to anger because a student wants to spend all the zeal in learning how to fight. The master wants to teach his student the principles, but the student insists on fighting methods. I was often impatient when my guitar instructor wanted me to learn chords while I wanted to learn songs. He had tried to explain this to me in many words that chords come before songs, however, he was overcome by weak speech. He could have just said to me in King James rendition that ‘‘seek ye first the Chords and all these songs shall be added unto you.’’ And with sex is the same thing, we have to seek first the basics and all these things shall be added to us. To have good sex you have to know things, which are not essentially sexual but part of sex, so that you can build on that to produce exhilarating orgasmic experience. For those of you who think that sexual pleasure is sin...why do you think God made the body and made it sexual? Why did he make nerves and parts of the body that are pleasurable to touch if he didn’t want us to enjoy sexual pleasure? God deliberately made Eve sexually attractive and he deliberately made Adam horny and eager to have her. There is no evil in wanting your man and wanting him so badly. There is no wrong in a man wanting to squeeze his lover and sex her till the cops come knocking. This desire is natural and God designed. Mr, you will find the breast of your woman attractive and that’s a natural thing. If there is nothing wrong with eating food, then there is nothing wrong with having legitimate and pleasurable sex. In the very bible, that we love to make too righteous for sex teaching, the woman in Song of Songs says to her man that ‘‘ may my beloved come into his garden and eat of its choice fruits!’’ (Songs of songs 4:16). She is talking about sex and there is no need to hide it .The garden mentioned herein is probably the one down there (that amazon forest).The other verse says to you, and that is if you are a man who likes to have good sex, that ‘‘As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love’’,(Proverbs 5:19). So these breasts must satisfy you. I don’t care if you lick them or just put your face on them and enjoy the 37 ° (degrees celsius) body temperature.

Sex is gooooood. That is why Paul encouraged lovers to not sexually abscond from each other (1 Corinthians 7:5), and the same Paul discouraged following the desires of the flesh. The desire of the body is having sex with your husband but the desire of the flesh is adultery. Many of us Pastors think that sex with our wives is sinful. We may not say so in words, but our actions speak volumes. We devote more time to prayer than sex, refuse to have good sex before preaching only to pounce on young girls at church. We end up dissatisfied and the result is we are seduced by women who think they know how to give a man the kind of sex he has always dreamt of. But wait till you marry her, and you will wish you stuck to your wife. God gave you a wife and you wasted her,‘‘For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?’’ (Proverbs 5:20). The woman of your matrimonial dreams is a beautiful person. You should be able to say to her, ‘‘the curves of your thighs are like jewels, The work of the hands of a skillful workman’’,(Songs of Songs 7:1).I am quoting from the bible dear...Admire her and stop that ‘‘pastor is righteous’’ nonsense that makes you quiet when you should admire her. Ladies, you must know the feeling by now of being kissed by someone you love. You should remember that it feels sweet and compels one to say ‘‘His mouth is most sweet, Yes, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, And this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem!’’ (Songs of songs 5:16).Solomon was talking straight sexual attraction when he says ‘‘Your navel is a rounded goblet; It lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat Set about with lilies’’,(Songs of Songs 7:2). Sex is great and never be too Christian to admit it. The guy in prison, who hasn’t seen his wife or girlfriend in years, gets my point. You who is outside the prison doors should stop playing church and give your lover something good and right for bodily edification. God made us male and Female with such distinction that men are not the same as women. But unlike poles attract...