No one expected Erin McCauley to arrive in Saddlebank, Montana, with a baby…and no wedding ring. Especially not Dean Moore, who cared for Erin but knew the by-the-book girl would never go for a hard-living cowboy like him. While helping renovate Erin’s new home, Dean realizes he’s still in love with her—and with her beautiful daughter. As far as he’s concerned, past mistakes don’t have to define them—but guilt is holding Erin back from seeing that Dean is offering exactly what she’s longing for. Because if she lets him, he’ll give her the home—and the family—she’s always wanted.

“It was a long trip.”

Dean heard a note of sorrow in Erin’s voice, and wondered precisely what had caused it.

“You drove all the way up from San Francisco?” he asked.

She nodded, shooting him a quick glance.

“So what were you doing there?” As if he didn’t know exactly what had kept her occupied all these years. Because somehow, in spite of all the girls between then and now, Erin had always hung, like a painting, in the back of his mind. Elusive and mysterious.

“Working as a graphic designer.”

He wanted to ask her more and fill in the gaps between the last time he saw her and now. Wanted to know what had put those shadows under the eyes of the sweet, innocent girl who had turned him down with a sad smile. A girl who’d told him he had to turn his life around.

Well, he had. Just too late for her, he guessed.

CAROLYNE AARSEN and her husband, Richard, live on a small ranch in northern Alberta, where they have raised four children and numerous foster children and are still raising cattle. Carolyne crafts her stories in an office with a large west-facing window, through which she can watch the changing seasons while struggling to make her words obey. Visit her website at carolyneaarsen.com.

The Cowboy’s Christmas Baby

Carolyne Aarsen

www.millsandboon.co.uk

In repentance and rest is your salvation.

In quietness and trust is your strength.

—Isaiah 30:15

To my sisters, Yolanda and Laverne.

Thanks for keeping me grounded.

And to my brother-in-law Jan, who bid on

the opportunity to be a part of this book.

Contents

Cover

Back Cover Text

Introduction

About the Author

Title Page

Bible Verse

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Epilogue

Dear Reader

Extract

Chapter One

It looked comfortably the same.

Erin McCauley parked her car in front of the Grill and Chill on the main street of the town of Saddlebank and turned off her car, her ears ringing in the sudden silence.

Though she had arranged to meet her sisters, Lauren and Jodie, at the ranch, she’d thought of stopping at the café to grab a soda because she was parched.

Her thirst was only part of her reason for her detour.

The other was that each mile she clocked northward from California to Montana increased the shame of the last ten months digging its unwelcome claws deeper with every roll of her car’s tires. Now that she was so close she had to fight the urge to turn her car around and drive back south.

So she used the excuse of a pit stop to delay the inevitable surprise and questions.

I should have told them, she thought, her mind ticking back to a time when she was a more innocent girl walking down these very streets. I should have told Lauren and Jodie everything that was happening in my life.

They would know soon enough, she reflected, stretching her hands out, making a face at her chipped nail polish. She eased her stiff and sore body out of the car and looked around the town with a sense of nostalgia.

The same brick buildings lined the street but the trees in front of them had grown taller and many of the flags flapping from their standards looked new. A bench and a couple of tables stood on a sidewalk in front of the Grill and Chill, but otherwise it was still the town of her early childhood.

A cool wind sifted down the street, tossing some stray papers and tugging a few leaves off the trees. It was mid-September. The kids were back in school and soon the leaves would be changing color.

I’m almost home.

The words settled into a soul in need of the solidity of this place. A soul disillusioned by life and by people. A soul that had grown tougher the past year.

The door of the Grill and Chill opened and a tall, lean figure stepped out, dropped a cowboy hat on his head and painstakingly worked his way down the three steps leading to the sidewalk. He moved with a pronounced limp, though he didn’t look that old. His plaid shirt was sprinkled with sawdust. A leather belt and a large rodeo competition buckle cinched frayed, faded blue jeans that ended on scuffed cowboy boots with worn-down heels.

He was the real deal, Erin thought, mentally comparing him to the fake cowboys she’d seen advertised on billboards on her drive up here from San Francisco.

When he lifted his head sea-green eyes met hers and her world spun backward.

The face looking back at her was hardened by time, grown leaner over the years. Stubble shaded a strong jaw and his eyes were fanned by wrinkles from spending time outside. But Dean Moore still held that air of heedlessness. The tilt of his head, the angle of his battered cowboy hat showed her he still looked at the world like it was his for the taking.

Then he smiled, his eyes lit up and his features were transformed.

The old curl of attraction that she had always fought when she was around him gripped her heart. Her mouth, if it was possible, became even drier.

He walked toward her, his smile growing. “Hey, there. What are you doing here?”

Erin stared at him, surprised at his casual question. But to her consternation, even after all these years and all that had happened to her, he could still lift her heart rate. “I’m headed home,” she managed.

“Vic said you were too busy to come to town. I thought you were getting ready for a visit from your uptight sister, if you’ll pardon the little joke.”

And then realization dawned.

He thought she was Lauren. Her twin sister. And she knew the exact moment he realized this himself.

His mouth shifted, his eyes narrowed and he visibly withdrew.

Crazy that this bothered her. Dean was so far in the past he may as well have been a character in the fairy stories she had once loved reading and drawing pictures of.

“My apologies. I thought you were—”

“Lauren,” she finished for him. “Sorry. I’m Erin. The uptight sister.”

He frowned as he assimilated this information, his hands slipping into the back pocket of his worn blue jeans. “Jodie and Lauren said you were coming this evening.” He didn’t even have the grace to look ashamed of himself.

“I’m early. Heavy foot.”

He was silent a beat, as if still absorbing the reality of her presence. “So. How’ve you been?”

She wanted to make some glib remark about what he’d said about her character but didn’t have the energy so she simply went with “Fine. I’m fine.”

“Right.” He gave her a tight smile, visibly retreating.

She shouldn’t be too surprised at his reaction or what he’d said about her. Every time he’d asked her out the summers she spent on her father’s ranch, she’d turned him down. He was a rough-living young man who rode hard, drank hard and played hard.

And yet, there had always been something about him that appealed. Some measure of self-confidence and brash self-awareness she knew she lacked.

In spite of the attraction she’d felt, her practical self had told her that Dean Moore was not the kind of man a good Christian girl wanted in her life.

And now?

She was hardly the sweet, innocent girl who’d left Saddlebank all those years back. Hardly walking with her Lord like she used to. She’d turned away from God nine months ago. When she’d found out she would be a single mother.

“So, you headed to the ranch?” Dean asked.

“Eventually. I thought I’d make a quick stop at the Grill and Chill.” Her mouth was even drier than before. Some soda or tea and a few moments to settle her nerves before seeing her sisters was just what she needed.

“Okay. Well, I’ll see you around.”

She held his gaze a beat longer, surprised at the twinge of attraction he still created. The usual battle of her head and heart, she thought. Drawn to the wrong kind of person.

Then a muffled cry from the car pulled her attention away from him and to her baby still tucked in her carrier in the backseat.

Erin opened the door and took a second to inhale the sweet scent of baby powder and Caitlin’s shampoo. With a gentle finger she stroked her baby’s tender cheek, still amazed at the rush of love this tiny infant could pull from her. Six weeks ago she’d come into Erin’s life and since then regardless of the exhaustion and confusion that dragged at her every day, Caitlin had been a bright spot in a life that had, of late, had some dark and hard valleys.

Erin grabbed the muslin blanket from beside her and laid it over top so her baby wouldn’t be exposed to the wind or the sun, then gently pulled the seat free, tucking her arm under the handle and straightening.

Dean still stood there, frowning as if still trying to absorb the reality of her situation. His puzzlement grew as he glanced from the car seat hanging on her arm to her ringless left hand.

Yes, I am a single mother, she wanted to say, and no, this was not in my long-term plan when I left here that summer. After turning you down yet again.

Their gazes locked for a few heartbeats more as if acknowledging a shared past.

As she closed the door of the car he touched the brim of his hat in a surprisingly courtly gesture, then turned and left, his steps uneven, his one leg hitching with every movement.

She guessed this was from his rodeo accident almost a year back. Lauren had alluded to it in the texts they had exchanged the past few months.

Sadness winged through her. How much had changed for both of them since that summer, all those years ago.

She took a few steps almost getting bowled over by a young woman.

“Hey, Dean, wait up,” the woman called and while Erin watched she ran up to him, tucking her arm in his. She was slender, tall, her brown hair shining in the sunlight, her trim figure enhanced by a snug tank top and denim pants. “You coming to the dance on Friday night? I was hoping you’d save a waltz for me.” She slid a red-painted fingernail down his arm. Her head tipped to one side as she obviously flirted with him.

Erin recognized Kelly Sands, a girl a few years younger than both of them, daughter of a local, wealthy rancher. She remembered Kelly as a somewhat spoiled girl who loved a good time more than she loved the consequences of it.

“I doubt I’ll be going to any dance,” Erin heard Dean say, his voice gruff.

“Oh, c’mon. It will be fun. We can hang out. Like old times.”

Then for some reason Dean glanced back at her and Erin saw herself through his eyes.

Hair pulled up in a sloppy bun. T-shirt with a ketchup stain from when she held Caitlin while trying to wolf down a hot dog. Yoga pants worn for comfort and ease of movement and flip-flops for the same reason.

Yeah. Not so much to compare to.

Then just as Erin was about to step into the café Kelly turned to see where Dean was looking. She frowned her puzzlement and then suddenly her smile grew brighter. “Hey, Erin. Wow. I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“It’s been a few years,” Erin admitted, her pride stung that while Kelly, who barely knew her, could see the difference between her and Lauren and Dean couldn’t.

“And look at you. With a baby.” Kelly let go of Dean’s arm and scurried over, lifting the cloth covering the car seat. “Oh, my goodness. She’s adorable.” Kelly looked up at her. “I’m guessing from the pink sleeper she’s a girl.”

“Yes. She is.”

“I didn’t know you were married,” Kelly continued, covering Caitlin again and, as Dean had, looking at her left hand.

Erin didn’t want to blush or feel a recurrence of the shame that she struggled to deal with.

So she looked Kelly straight in the eye. “I’m not.”

The girl released a surprised laugh, as if she didn’t believe her. “Really? You of all people?”

Erin wasn’t going to dignify that with a response so she simply kept her chin up, figuratively and literally, and held Kelly’s gaze, saying nothing.

“I guess people really do change,” Kelly said. Then with a dismissive shrug of her shoulder she walked back to Dean. “And I’ll see you on Saturday,” she told him, her hand lingering on his arm.

Erin pulled her gaze away, wondering why she cared who Dean hung out with. But as she looked over at the door of the Grill and Chill, Dean’s reaction lingered, as did Kelly’s comment.

If she went inside she would probably meet someone she knew. And face more of what she’d just dealt with.

She couldn’t handle more censure, puzzled glances and assumptions.

So in spite of the thirst parching her throat, she put Caitlin back in the car.

Then she headed home.

* * *

“Just drop me off at home,” Dean said as Vic turned off Main Street, heading toward the highway and the Rocking M. “I don’t feel like coming with you to Lauren’s place.”

“Home is twenty miles out of the way.” Vic shot his brother a questioning glance. “And I promised Lauren I’d get these groceries to her as soon as possible. I guess Erin is supposed to be arriving late this afternoon.”

Actually, she would be there sooner.

But Dean wasn’t going to mention that to Vic. He was still absorbing the shock seeing Erin had given him. He still didn’t know how he had mistaken her for Lauren.

Though they were twins, Lauren’s eyes were gray; Erin’s a soft blue. Lauren’s hair was blonder, Erin’s held a tinge of copper. And Erin had always had a quiet aloofness that he’d viewed as a constant challenge.

Seeing her again so easily erased the years since they were last together. One look into those blue eyes and once again he was the brash young man who was willing to take another chance at rejection from Erin McCauley. Once again he felt the sting of her steady refusals.

And then she’d pulled the car seat out of the back of the car and he felt as if his world had spun in another direction.

He hadn’t known she had a baby. Or that she was married, though she wasn’t wearing a ring. Neither Lauren nor Jodie mentioned a husband.

When he’d taken a closer look at her, he’d seen the hollowness of her cheeks, a dullness to her eyes. When she’d told Kelly she wasn’t married his world took another tumble.

Erin McCauley was always the unobtainable. Elusive. He had always known she was too good for him. And now, here she was. A single mother.

“I want to get working on that toolshed I promised Mom I’d finish,” he said, wishing he could forget about Erin, frustrated at the effect she had on him. “And I’m tired.”

He hoped his brother would accept his excuse and drive out of his way to bring Dean home but he doubted it. Vic was still in that glazed-eye stage of romance and would take advantage of any chance to see his fiancée.

“Tired and sullen from the sounds of things,” Vic said with a laugh. “I’m sure Mom won’t care if you’re a day late on the shed. Besides, you didn’t have to come to town with me today. I wouldn’t have minded if you checked the cows in the higher pasture.”

“They were okay when you rode up there last week. I doubt much has changed.”

“We’ve always checked them regularly,” Vic said but Dean ignored the comment. He had accepted Vic’s invitation to go to town precisely because he felt grumpy and guilty about not checking the cows. But he had hoped Vic wouldn’t nag him about not riding.

Dean hadn’t been on a horse since that bad toss off a saddle bronc that had shattered his leg and put his dreams of a rodeo career on hold. Vic had been at him to continue his therapy, to cowboy up and get back on the horse.

But Dean wasn’t about to admit to his brother why he didn’t do either.

“I know we do, but I was busy. That’s why I want to get working on that shed for Mom.” He knew he was wasting his argument but couldn’t give up without one last push. He really didn’t want to see Erin again. Especially not after he’d made that stupid joke about Lauren’s “uptight” sister.

“Then the shed is two days late instead of one.” Vic shrugged, turning onto the highway heading toward the Circle M ranch where Lauren and Jodie were waiting for their sister.

If they did a quick drop-off he and Vic could be on their way home before Erin arrived. When he’d met her it looked as if she was headed into the Grill and Chill so there was a possibility.

But Vic was whistling some vague country song, which meant his brother was happy about seeing his fiancée again. Which meant Dean would have to watch Lauren and Vic give each other those stupid, secret smiles. And the occasional kiss.

He was happy for his brother. Truly.

But ever since his girlfriend Tiffany broke up with him, less than twenty minutes before the ride he’d injured himself on, Dean had struggled with a combination of anger and betrayal.

Being dumped just before a ride that could have put him on the road to a major title was bad enough. Finding out that she was leaving him for his brother, whom she’d had a secret crush on the whole time they were dating only added insult to the actual injury he’d been dealt.

The fact that Vic and Tiffany hadn’t gotten together after the accident helped, but knowing his girlfriend preferred his brother over him still stung.

And now Erin was in back town. Erin who seemed to prefer anyone to him.

Every summer since their parents’ divorce, Erin had come from Knoxville to Saddlebank to stay with her father. And every summer, from the time they were both fifteen, he’d asked her out. And every time she’d turned him down. Thankfully his ego was more intact then. He kept thinking that his dogged persistence would do the trick, but when she told him the last time he asked her that she didn’t approve of his lifestyle and didn’t approve of him, he got the message.

He knew sweet Erin McCauley was above his pay-grade and that she frowned upon his ever-increasing rowdiness, but at that time in his life obstacles had just seemed like challenges he could overcome. And Erin, with her gentle smile and kind nature, was exactly that kind of challenge. One that he’d lost.

He’d had girlfriends since then but deep down he always compared them to her.

His gold standard.

And now?

Pain twinged through his leg and he shifted it, grimacing as he did. Now he had even less to offer her or any other woman. A crippled ex-bronc rider trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life.

“So what does Jan have you working on these days?” Vic asked, pulling him from the melancholy memories.

“We’re finishing up a hay shed for the Bannisters and there’s a big job coming up in Mercy I’m hoping to get in on.”

“You still enjoy the work?”

“It’s work,” Dean said carefully knowing that his brother was fishing. Again. Feeling him out about coming in as a partner on the ranch. That had always been the plan when Vic made a deal with Keith McCauley to lease his ranch. Then came the accident that changed so much for Dean. Now he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore or where he fit. Rodeo was off the table and he didn’t know how much of an asset he could be to Vic.

If he couldn’t ride a horse.

“Once Erin comes back Lauren and Jodie can make a final decision about the Circle M. And I was hoping you would make one, too,” Vic returned.

“I thought their dad said in his will that only two of them had to stay two months.” When Keith McCauley died his will stipulated that two of the girls had to stay two months on the ranch in order for all three to inherit.

“Lauren and Jodie both fulfilled the conditions of their dad’s will, that’s true, but I think they just want to talk it over with Erin. Out of courtesy.” Vic waited a beat, then shot him a glance. “And once that’s done, we need to make a decision about you coming in with me as a partner.”

“I know. I need some time.” Dean shifted in his seat again, stifling his frustration as he watched the fields flowing past.

“You’ve had time. This was the plan,” Vic continued, his voice holding an edge of anger. “We talked about it before I approached Keith McCauley to lease the ranch from him, and now that it’s pretty much a go I want to expand the herd. But I can’t do that if I can’t get a commitment from you.”

Dean knew he was stalling and understood his brother’s exasperation. Ranching together had been their plan for the past ten years. When he’d dated Tiffany he’d imagined his life with her in the little house on one corner of the Circle M Ranch, tucked up against the river.

He had been working for Jan Peter for a couple of years as a carpenter and had already planned the renos he was going to do on the house after he and Tiffany got married.

But those dreams had been busted in two decisive moments. When Tiffany broke up with him and when he smashed his leg half an hour later.

“Lauren and I are getting married soon,” Vic continued. “I need to know where we’re at. If I need to bring in another partner or if you’re still part of this.”

“I know and I appreciate that you’ve been willing to wait,” Dean said, staring ahead at the road flowing past rolling fields toward the mountains cradling the valley. “But I’m not sure where I belong anymore.”

“What do you mean? You belong here. You’re a rancher. It’s your legacy and it’s in your blood.”

Dean released a humorless laugh. “And what kind of rancher can’t ride a horse?”

Vic looked back at the road, his one hand tapping his thigh as if restraining his impatience. “You just need to try again.”

Dean’s mind ticked back to the last time he tried to get on a horse. Vic had come upon him trying to mount up. He wanted to help and they’d had a fight. Dean had wanted to try on his own and his brother didn’t think he could. Trouble was, Vic was right. And though he had come across all tough and independent, truth was he was scared spitless and secretly thankful for the chance to walk away.

“And lots of ranchers don’t ride horses,” Vic continued. “They use their trucks or quads—”

“You can’t take a quad up into the high pasture or the back country. We both know that,” he said, his voice hard. “Ranchers in this country ride horses. Simple as that.”

And Vic’s silence told Dean that his brother knew he was right.

“You’ll ride again” was all Vic said.

Dean wished he had his sibling’s optimism. Because right about now, he felt as if both Vic and his boss, Jan, were merely helping him out. Giving the poor cripple a hand up.

He wasn’t used to that. He was used to being independent and doing things on his own. Like he had up until the accident.

And now they were going to see his brother’s fiancée and the girl he’d once cared for. And he was coming as half a man.

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