Kitabı oxu: «A Kiss To Melt Her Heart»

FOR MY DAD

1935–2014

I MISS YOU

Table of Contents

Cover

About the Author

Title Page

Dear Reader

Dedication

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

CHAPTER NINE

CHAPTER TEN

CHAPTER ELEVEN

CHAPTER TWELVE

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

EPILOGUE

Copyright

CHAPTER ONE

Hobart, Tasmania, February 26th

‘ARE YOU SURE you want to do this?’

Sophie could see the concern in Luke’s grey eyes and she appreciated it, but she’d made up her mind and she wasn’t going change it now. She’d come too far. She couldn’t stop now. And Luke should know that. They had been friends since they’d both been teenagers and there was only one person who knew Sophie better than Luke did—but Danny was gone now.

She squeezed his hand in what she hoped was a reassuring fashion, although she suspected she needed more reassurance than he did. His hand was warm in the chill of the hospital. Sophie didn’t normally feel the cold. She had grown up in Tasmania, the wild but beautiful southern end of Australia, and cold weather was something she was used to, but the air felt frosty today. Maybe it was nervousness—not about the surgery, having her appendix out was a minor procedure—but her future plans were ambitious although she wasn’t about to admit to any misgivings at this point.

She wrapped the towelling dressing gown around her body a little more firmly to ward off the chill as she said, ‘I need to get away.’

‘I understand that,’ Luke replied, ‘but why don’t you take a holiday instead.’

Sophie looked at him. She wasn’t in a vacation mood. ‘What would I do on a holiday?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know. Relax?’

‘I don’t need to relax and I don’t want time to myself, I’ve got too much of that already. Holidays are meant to be shared with someone and we both know I have no one now. I don’t want to go on a holiday but I do need to go some place where the memories won’t follow me. Everywhere I look around here things remind me of Danny and I can see it in people’s faces too. Every time they see me I remind them that Danny isn’t here. I need to move on and I can’t do that here. It’s too hard. I need some space to get my head together.’

‘I miss him too, Soph, but I’m not sure that spending a winter in Antarctica is necessarily the right place to get your head together.’

‘It’s not a whole winter, it’s only seven weeks.’

‘If the other doctor gets back. Otherwise you’re there for winter. That’s seven months.’

Seven months. Sophie knew that could seem like a lifetime. Danny had been dead for seven months. She knew exactly how long each day, each hour, each minute could seem.

But she also knew she couldn’t stay in Hobart. She needed to get away and give her grief, and her guilt, time to fade. She knew she’d never forget, she didn’t want to forget, but she did want to be able to live her life without memories of Danny shadowing her every move. She missed him but she missed her old self too. She wanted a chance to find the old Sophie, the one who had smiled and laughed, and she suspected it would be easier to remember how she used to be if she wasn’t constantly being reminded of what she’d lost.

Her mind was made up and Luke should know that once she made up her mind she very rarely changed it. She tried to appease him. ‘I appreciate your concern but it’s not like I don’t know what to expect.’

‘Theory and practice are two very different things. I’m not pretending I understand the technicalities of your job but I do know about working in difficult environments and having to rely on others to get the job done. Working in Antarctica can’t be the same as working in a city with all the support networks.’

‘I know exactly what type of situations I might need to deal with,’ she said. ‘I admit I haven’t worked in quite the same conditions but I have worked with the Antarctic Medicine Unit for two years. I have to trust everyone to do their part and they have to trust me to do mine.’

‘But are you ready?’

Sophie knew what Luke was asking. It wasn’t a question about her skills as a doctor, he’d have to trust her on that, it was a question about her state of mind. Sophie knew he was concerned about her and he deserved an honest answer.

‘I don’t know.’ She’d been working towards this goal for the past six months—it had given her something to focus on since losing Danny. It had stopped her going crazy with grief and loneliness. It had seemed like a good idea but now that the moment was here, and sooner than she’d expected, she just had to hope she was making the right decision. ‘I think I’m ready. The powers that be in the Antarctic programme seem to think so and I’m their best option. I have to be ready. They need me and I need to go.’ She had to trust that the decision makers knew what they were doing. She knew her medical skills would be sufficient and she must have passed all the psych tests or they wouldn’t be sending her. She had to believe she was ready.

This move would be a test for her. She knew that but she wanted to push herself, she needed to challenge herself. Danny had brought out the best in her, he had helped her to shine, and she was finding it hard to believe she’d be okay without him. That she could be okay. Danny had been her first and only love, and she’d never imagined having to live without him, but that was her reality. She needed to know if she could survive on her own.

She knew Luke was worried for her but she had to do this.

‘I realise I’ll either love it or hate it,’ she continued, ‘but I want to do something. I have to do something. I can’t stay here and, to be honest, while I’ll admit I’m nervous I’m also excited. I’ve been living day to day, getting up in the morning just aiming to get through one more day. This goal has given me something to look forward to. It’s given me a reason to keep going.’

She knew that if the psychologists heard her last sentence they’d probably think twice about sending her to the ice. She didn’t want Luke to think she was a basket case too so she tried to explain her feelings more succinctly.

‘I get up in the morning and the house is quiet. There’s none of Danny’s stuff lying around, getting in my way. There are no piles of shoes, different ones for hiking, running, riding, paddling, abseiling and gardening. No ropes or tents or backpacks to trip over. No maps spread across the kitchen table.

‘I’m never going to get that back and I miss it. I miss him. I miss listening to his big plans, listening to him plan our future and the future of the business. I felt like he took my future with him and this might be my chance to get it back. It won’t be the same future, I’ve lost that, but perhaps it could be worth something.’

‘Why haven’t you told me this before? I thought you were coping.’

‘I am coping.’ She was, most days. ‘But that’s all I’m doing. I’m not living and I want to live again. I’ve lost Danny but I’ve also lost myself. I don’t want to be sad and lonely any more. I need to get moving. I have to do something. This might make or break me but I have to try it.’ She smiled. ‘You can’t pretend you’re not a little bit jealous. I know this type of adventure would be right up your alley.’

Luke laughed. ‘You’re right. It’s exactly the sort of thing I’d love to have a crack at. Danny would have too.’ He paused and considered her carefully before continuing. ‘Are you sure you’re doing this for you and not out of some misguided tribute to Danny?’

Sophie knew that Danny was part of the reason she was going. Despite working for the Antarctic Medicine Unit for two years she hadn’t ever originally intended to leave the mainland and head three thousand plus kilometres south to Antarctica. She and Danny and Luke had been inseparable since high school but the boys had been the adrenalin junkies while she had been far more conservative. Maybe this adventure was out of character for her but she wasn’t foolish enough to venture out of her comfort zone without careful consideration of her reasons.

She thought Danny would be proud of her but that wasn’t her main motivation. She had been going quietly mad, sitting in Hobart. There were too many memories. She hoped this adventure would be the catalyst to allow her to start again. To begin the next chapter of her life. A life without Danny.

‘I think he would be proud of me for doing this,’ she admitted, ‘but I’m not crazy enough to take up this challenge without believing I can handle it.’

‘You know I promised Danny that if anything ever happened to him I’d look after you?’ Luke said.

Sophie frowned. ‘You did?’

‘Of course. We had to consider the possibility of things going wrong on one of our treks. We had to do risk-management assessments for every expedition and we discussed what we’d do in the worst-case situation. We had to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Neither of us ever expected that something would happen that wasn’t related to work but either way the result is the same. We planned for this and discussed it, always hoping we wouldn’t need to worry about it for many years, but a promise is a promise, no matter when it’s needed.’

Danny and Luke ran an adventure holiday company, catering to all the adrenalin junkies who travelled to Tasmania to explore the wilderness. Had run, she should say. The business was now Luke’s. He’d bought Danny’s share from her, but he was right. Every time Danny had gone off on a trek she had lived in fear of a phone call telling her something had gone wrong, but she’d never anticipated the phone call would come when he was just out for a weekend ride on the outskirts of Hobart. Danny had spent most of his days in the wilderness, living on the edge—she hadn’t expected his days to come to an end in the city.

Getting knocked off his bike had been a stupid way for someone who’d spent his life trekking and white-water rafting and abseiling down cliff faces to die. He had simply gone off for a ride one morning. He’d kissed her goodbye as she’d left for work, and she hadn’t seen him alive again. The driver of the car that had killed him had been overtaking a truck on a blind corner. He’d smacked head on into Danny and the impact had been so severe that he hadn’t survived the head and chest injuries he had sustained.

And just last week Sophie had learned that the driver of the car had been released from jail. He had served six months for taking Danny’s life. It made her feel sick, just thinking about the unfairness of it all.

She was glad she was leaving. She couldn’t imagine how she would feel if she ever came face to face with the man responsible for her husband’s death. If she met him in the street she didn’t think she could be held responsible for her actions. She didn’t care that he’d expressed remorse. His stupidity had cost Danny his life. She knew she should try to forgive him but she hadn’t been able to yet. She didn’t know if she’d ever be able to.

She knew her anger at the driver was magnified by her own guilt. If she hadn’t taken an extra shift that day, Danny wouldn’t have been out riding. He would have been home with her.

She should have been with him. If she had been he wouldn’t be dead. But guilt wasn’t going to bring him back. She needed to move past that but it was difficult when everywhere she looked she saw Danny. They’d been tied together their whole lives and it was hard to move on when so many things reminded her of shared times. She knew she had to get away. That was the only way she was ever going to recover. It was the only way she was going to get over her guilt.

‘I don’t feel right about saying goodbye without at least checking your frame of mind,’ Luke continued.

‘That’s why I’m doing this,’ Sophie explained. ‘I’m tired of people asking me how I am or, worse, saying nothing because they don’t know what to say. When Danny was killed my dreams died with him. It’s time for me to make some new dreams.’

For as long as she could remember she had always made three-year plans but the plans she’d made with Danny had come crashing down seven months ago and now she was a thirty-one-year-old widow. She needed a new plan.

‘I feel as though I should be trying harder to stop you,’ Luke said, ‘but I get the impression you’re not going to listen to me.’

Sophie smiled. ‘You’re right, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your concern.’

‘If you can look me in the eye and promise me you know what you’re doing, I’ll feel like I’ve kept my side of the bargain with Dan.’

‘I’ll be fine and I like to think Danny would be proud of me.’

Luke leaned over and kissed her cheek. ‘You’re right, he would be proud of you, I’m proud of you too. Just make sure you don’t do anything that makes me sorry I didn’t try harder to talk you out of this.’

‘Dr Thompson?’ Their conversation was interrupted by one of the nursing staff. ‘We’re ready for you now.’

Sophie stood and hugged Luke. ‘It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. I promise,’ she said, before she followed the nurse off to Theatre.

CHAPTER TWO

Date: March 7th

Temperature: -7°C

Hours of sunlight: 13.9

THE SEAT BELT WAS pressing into Sophie’s still-tender abdomen and it was starting to irritate her now. Having had her appendix removed just a few days before her adventure wasn’t ideal but she’d had no other option.

She was determined to be on this plane and she hadn’t been about to let something as relatively minor as prophylactic surgery stop her. Any Australian doctor who wanted to work at one of the Antarctic stations had to have their appendix removed before they could be sent south. This clause didn’t apply to anyone else—the doctor would be able to remove anyone else’s troublesome appendix on the ice but the Australian Antarctic Programme didn’t want to risk the station doctor. The surgery was non-negotiable but in Sophie’s mind it was a relatively minor procedure and certainly something she had been happy to agree to. But she hadn’t expected the tenderness to last for so many days.

She undid her belt and stood up. She could stretch her legs and her abdominals at the same time. She wandered to the cockpit, seeking company. She was the sole passenger from Hobart to the Antarctic airfield. The plane would return filled with summer expeditioners heading home for the winter but on this leg she had the entire cabin to herself.

She’d spent most of the four-and-a-half-hour flight reading the numerous documents she’d been given, trying to work out which ones were the most important. Her trip had been fast-tracked and she knew she hadn’t had the same time to prepare as most others would have had. But she was tired of reading and it couldn’t be too much longer before they landed. It had been dark when they’d left Hobart but the sunrise had followed them as they’d flown west, eventually catching up with them, and Sophie had watched as the sky had turned pink and lightened as they’d flown over the ocean.

She knocked on the cockpit door, eager to check with the flight crew what their ETA was. She felt like a kid on a long car trip. ‘How much longer?’ She wanted to get the three-thousand-four-hundred-kilometre flight over and done with. She wanted to get to the ice.

‘Perfect timing,’ the pilot, said as he called her in. ‘Have a seat. We’ve just started spotting the first icebergs.’

Sophie took a seat behind the captain and co-pilot and peered through the cockpit windows. The sea was calm and flat, a pond of dark blue dotted with white. The icebergs were stunning, crisp, pure and brilliant and all different shapes and sizes. But the ice was not pure white, like she’d expected, but lit with myriad shades of blue—turquoise, aqua, a hint of cerulean and the palest sky blue.

It was a serene, perfect vista and Sophie was mesmerised. She could hardly believe she’d done it. What at times had seemed almost impossible was now only incredible. She was almost in Antarctica.

‘We should be landing in about thirty minutes.’ The captain interrupted her daydreaming. ‘The weather conditions look good, it should be a straightforward approach, but you should change into your survival clothing now. It will probably take you a while.’

Sophie had collected her red kitbag just prior to boarding the plane in Hobart. It contained the multiple layers she needed to wear to keep warm in the polar conditions. She’d had a brief lesson in getting dressed the previous day and she just hoped she remembered the order.

She returned to the cabin, pulled the bag out of the overhead locker and dumped the contents on her seat. She could feel the plane start its descent as she stripped off her shoes, sweatpants and jumper and pulled on thermal underwear before replacing the other layers. She stepped into her red waterproof pants, which were insulated with a down filling, making them rather cumbersome. She stuffed her shoes into the kitbag and then sat down to wrestle with the bulky insulated snow boots complete with thick rubber soles. She had some difficulty getting her feet into the boots—the puffy pants made bending awkward—but eventually she was able to lace up the white boots, which had the rather odd nickname of ‘bunny boots’. She slipped her arms into the padded jacket and tugged a neck warmer over her head but decided the beanie and gloves could wait. She gathered her hair in one hand and tucked it inside her jacket, where it hung down between her shoulder blades.

By the time she’d finished and returned to her seat she could see through the window that the vast expanse of ocean was giving way to an equally vast expanse of ice and snow in the distance. She searched the horizon for signs of life, for buildings or communication towers, something, anything, to indicate that the icy plateau was inhabited. She could see miles and miles of ice, snow and ocean and eventually a few small buildings, which looked no bigger than shipping containers cobbled together, came into view. That would be the airstrip.

She knew not to expect to see a traditional tarred runway but she was nervous. She could see nothing that remotely resembled a landing strip. She knew from the mandatory flight briefing she’d had the previous day that the plane would land on a specially built pack-ice runway three kilometres long, but that didn’t appease her nerves at all. She couldn’t fathom how something as big and heavy as this plane could land safely on a runway made of ice. The flight briefing had covered information on the flight and the runway, as well as several topics on safety and survival in the Antarctic, but that didn’t stop her from imagining the plane skidding out of control off the edge of the slippery landing strip.

She decided ignorance was bliss and turned away from the window, choosing not to watch as the plane approached the runway. She zipped up her jacket and dug her sunglasses out of her bag.

Standing at the top of the stairs, with the landing safely completed, the chill of the Antarctic autumn day took her by surprise. It was only minus seven degrees Celsius and the sun was shining, but the briskness of the wind on her face after the relative warmth of the plane was unexpected. She tugged her neck warmer up to cover the bottom half of her face and considered donning her beanie but opted just to pull the hood of her jacket over her head before she slipped her sunglasses over her eyes and made her way down the aircraft stairs.

In contrast to the relative silence on the plane, the airstrip was a hive of activity. She couldn’t remember who she was supposed to look for and even if she could she doubted she’d find them. Everyone looked identical. They were all bundled up in matching government-issue red jackets, balaclavas or face masks and sunglasses as they went about their duties, making it impossible to recognise anyone.

The fluttering in her stomach, which she’d convinced herself was excitement, suddenly intensified as anticipation gave way to nervousness. Was she going to be able to handle this? All of a sudden living and working in this extraordinary environment with a group of strangers didn’t seem quite so exotic and exhilarating.

But she remembered her promise to Luke and straightened her shoulders. She could do this. She would do it. And she’d return home stronger and surer and ready to get on with her life.

‘Doc?’ A thick-set man had separated himself from the bustle and was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. He stuck out a hand and Sophie shook it, rather awkwardly due to the thick gloves they both wore, as she took in what little she could see of him.

He was a few inches taller than her and wasn’t wearing any head protection—no hat, no balaclava—just sunglasses. He was a big man but appeared to be muscular rather than fat and had hair that hung to his shoulders in thick blond ringlets. His nose was slightly hooked and his jaw was covered in a scruffy blond beard. His eyes were hidden but a cheeky smile lit up his face.

‘I’m Alex, the FTO.’

From her previous dealings and background reading Sophie already thought of Antarctica as the land of acronyms but she was struggling to keep track of them all and couldn’t remember what this one meant. She looked blankly at him until he qualified it for her.

‘The field training officer.’

‘Oh, right. It’s nice to meet you.’

‘I’ll be driving you back to Carey Station but you’ve got some time to kill first. I have to get the cargo squared away to take back with us.’

Sophie was surprised by Alex’s strong Australian accent—a Queensland twang, she thought—and she realised she had expected to hear foreign accents, the kind of thing that happened when you travelled to the ski fields and the lift operators and ski instructors had European accents, even though the ski fields were in Australia. She’d been fooled by the surroundings into thinking she was in a foreign land—and she was—but this part of it was being run by Australians. It was obviously going to take her some time to adjust and she had another nervous moment as she realised that it was very likely that nothing would be as she’d expected.

‘What do I need to do with my bags?’ she asked, as she saw them being unloaded from the cargo hold. She’d been allowed three bags with a combined weight of fifty-five kilograms and, having no real concept of what she might actually need but knowing it would be impossible to get anything she’d forgotten, she’d used every ounce of her allowance. In addition to her own luggage she’d also been given the survival kit, which she had hauled down the airplane steps along with her carry-on luggage. Even though she was now wearing most of the contents of the bag, it was still bulky and she hadn’t thought about the logistics of getting all her bags from the plane across the ice and snow to the buildings and to her transport. She had no idea what the procedure was.

‘Is that them?’ Alex pointed at her cases. Sophie nodded. ‘Just the three?’ She nodded again. ‘I’ll take care of it,’ he offered. ‘Give me your survival bag as well. I’ll stow them in the Hägglund and I’ll meet you inside the terminal when I’m done.’

Sophie didn’t argue as Alex took her survival kit and grabbed the first of her cases. She was relieved not to have to cart her heavy bags while negotiating the icy conditions.

She could see the over-snow vehicle parked a few metres from the plane. The Hägglund was an odd-looking machine and it reminded her of a childish drawing of a car crossed with a mini-tank. It looked like a box with windows set atop caterpillar treads, which Sophie knew would enable it to traverse the ice. Both the cabin and its attached trailer were square and boxy and painted bright red. Alex hoisted her bags into the attached trailer while Sophie headed for the building that he had indicated. It was difficult to walk in the cumbersome clothing, especially the heavily insulated bunny boots, and her progress felt slow and awkward.

When she finally reached the ‘terminal’ it turned out to be a rather makeshift building constructed out of several shipping containers, just as it had looked from the air, with a few minor modifications along the lines of some windows and a couple of doors. It also reminded her of a child’s drawing and it lent a surreal air to her surroundings.

Inside, the building was full of people who, she assumed, were summer expeditioners. They were milling around, waiting to get on the plane that would fly them home for winter, but despite the crowd it wasn’t any warmer inside the building. The only difference in here was that more people had their heads and faces uncovered.

‘Dr Thompson?’

She turned at the sound of her name and, recognising the Scottish burr of the man’s voice, she smiled as she greeted him. ‘You must be John.’ His accent was much more similar to what she’d expected to encounter. John was the doctor she had come to replace and while she had dealt with him before through the AMU, the Antarctic Medicine Unit, it had only been over the phone, never in person, and it was good to be able to put a face to his name.

He was able to give her a brief handover but Sophie was relieved to hear he’d left detailed instructions for her at the station. Knowing he had more pressing things on his mind—his daughter’s scheduled surgery—she insisted she would be fine. ‘Just make sure you call with an update on Marianna’s condition,’ she said, before saying farewell to him as he made his way to the refuelled aircraft.

Alex appeared at her side as the terminal emptied of people. ‘We’re good to go,’ he told her.

He kept up a steady stream of conversation from the moment she climbed into the Hägglund and she was grateful that he didn’t appear to expect too much in the way of replies from her.

He was entertaining company, keeping her amused with stories from the ice and telling her what to expect. She was quite interested in how a rugby player from the warm climate of Queensland had adjusted to the indoor life at an Antarctic station.

‘We spend more time outside than you’d think,’ he responded. ‘The weather is cold but it’s often clear and fine. You’ll be able to get out and go exploring. Do you know how to ride a quad bike?’

‘No.’ Sophie shook her head.

‘No worries. I’ll teach you. That’s part of my role as the FTO. It’s my job to train the other expeditioners, including you, in station safety procedures, survival skills, how to operate snowmobiles, quad bikes and the like. I’m also one of your medical support team.’

Sophie knew that some of the expeditioners had done some basic medical training and were able to assist her in an emergency situation, helping with suturing, anaesthetic monitoring and acting as scrub nurses among other things, but as Alex talked she found herself becoming increasingly nervous as it really sank in that she would be the only doctor for hundreds of miles and solely responsible for all the crew at the station.

She was feeling quite overwhelmed. She’d thought she’d be excited but everything was far more foreign than she’d anticipated, including the landscape. The pictures and videos she’d seen hadn’t prepared her for the rather alien scenery that filled the windows. Vast expanses of ice stretched into the distance. She could see mountains of ice but the only thing that broke the expanse of white was the occasional rocky outcrop.