Kitabı oxu: «His Other Life»

ONE

There’s a text on my husband’s phone. It’s lying on the counter near the kettle and I just heard it vibrate. He’s turned the sound off, probably thinking I wouldn’t hear it – that’s the only reason someone would put their phone on silent, right? – but I still can. It sounds like an automatic gun; our neighbours probably heard it. Pam and Mike next door are no doubt up off their sofa already, frantically dialling three nines before you can say Crimewatch.

I look over at the phone but it’s face down, probably so that it doesn’t light up noticeably when texts or calls arrive. Bit of a pointless precaution if you ask me, given that it sounds like a horse falling downstairs. Maybe it’s also a precaution against someone – well, let’s be honest, me – getting a glimpse of the name of anyone who might call or text.

Eventually the glasses and cutlery stop rattling from the aftershocks and I glance over at hubby to see if he’s noticed. Of course he’s noticed; the house shifted on its foundations. But he’s not going over there to read the message, or even check to see who it’s from. Why is that?

‘I think you just got a text,’ I say über-casually, then pick up a tea towel and saunter over to the draining board. ‘Want me to see who it was?’

He’s working on getting a particularly stubborn bit of baked cheese off the side of the lasagne dish and doesn’t look up: this job apparently requires full concentration. ‘Oh, did I? No, no need,’ he says lightly. ‘I’ll have a look in a minute.’

I nod slowly. ‘Oh, OK.’

Adam finishes the dish, carefully rinses the soap off under the cold tap, then places it gently upside down on the draining board. He empties the washing-up bowl, turns it over, wipes its base, then wipes the excess water from the draining board. Finally he turns and walks to where I’m listlessly drying a wine glass. He’s smiling as he reaches out towards me but I don’t move. As soon as his fingers touch the tea towel in my hand, they stop approaching and intertwine themselves into the fabric, drying off.

‘Great grub, Gracie,’ he says, then grins and raises his head to look at me. ‘And I’m pleased to announce that the Wife of the Year award goes to …’ He performs a miniature drum roll with his index fingers on the kitchen side. ‘Oh, well, no surprises there, she’s been the hot favourite right from the beginning, it’s last year’s winner, it’s Mrs Grace Littleton!’ He raises his arms and makes whispery crowd cheering noises in the back of his throat, while glancing around the kitchen at his imaginary audience. I smile at him, charmed by his boyishness as usual, and, for the moment anyway, the mysterious text message goes out of my head.

‘Come on,’ he says, jerking his head towards the door, ‘let’s watch the lottery. Did you get the ticket?’

‘Yep, it’s in my bag.’ I retrieve the ticket from my handbag on the kitchen chair and follow him into the living room.

Adam and I have been married just a year – today is our first anniversary actually. We exchanged presents over dinner. One year is paper – I know this because I Googled it a few days ago – so I bought him a book called Keeping the Magic Alive: How to Get and Give Satisfying Lifelong Sex by someone called Dr Cristina Markowitz. On the front there was a full-colour photo of a pair of gorgeous naked models pretending to be a satisfied married couple, and the whole thing was wrapped in clingfilm, presumably so that people couldn’t sneak into Smiths when they ran into difficulties, read up on a couple of tips, then dash back home again to finish the job. There was a nasty moment when I was paying for it involving Chloe on the till holding the book up in the air and shouting at top volume down the store ‘BRYONY! HOW MUCH IS THE SEX BOOK? BAR CODE WON’T SCAN’, but eventually I’d carried it home (in my fingertips, like a hot coal) and wrapped it in cool blue shiny paper, releasing a tense breath once it was finally sheathed. A small part of me half expected the steamy photo on the front to burn through the wrapping paper, like the lost Ark of the Covenant, leaving a naked-body-shaped scorch mark on the outside.

I’d grinned as Adam opened it earlier, hoping he’d get the joke. I thought it was absolutely hilarious that someone had written a book about it, and more than that, that somewhere people were actually sitting down and reading it. ‘Ooh, look at this one, Steven, do you think we could manage that?’ ‘Oh I don’t know, Barbara, I’ve got that presentation tomorrow. What else is there?’ For crying out loud, people, stop reading books about it and do it!

Adam looked at me quizzically once he’d unwrapped it. ‘Wow. Um, you trying to tell me something, Gracie?’

I broke eye contact as I answered. ‘No, no, of course not, but don’t you think it’s hysterical? I mean, imagine Steve and Barb in bed together flicking through the pages …’

‘Who are they?’

I frowned. ‘No, no one, just imaginary people, I’m just pretending.’

‘Oh right.’ He opened the book at a random page and read in silence for a few moments. ‘Very interesting,’ he concluded, then closed it and laid it on the table. It practically sizzled when it touched the surface. ‘Thank you very much.’

I was disappointed. He had completely missed the joke. ‘You’re welcome.’

If I’m completely honest, I was also hoping he might read it. The couple on the front looked like they were having such a tremendous time, and I so wanted to experience that. Even though we’d been married an entire year – or only a year, whichever way you look at it – Adam and I did not partake of the old horizontal refreshment all that frequently. From what I’d seen in magazines and films, newlyweds were supposed to be at it like they were stuffing turkeys every day, with great big grins on their faces and sweaty, shiny bodies. But this was not my own experience. ‘Hardly ever’ was closer to my magic number. Of course, films are fiction, and those magazine interviewees could have been exaggerating, knowing that what they said was going to become public knowledge. They probably were – their mates would see it. But even allowing for that, I still felt short-changed.

My present was a gorgeous bunch of carnations, with guaranteed freshness for seven days. I’d put them in a vase immediately and placed them in the centre of the table. ‘Lovely, thank you.’

He’d smiled, pleased with my reaction. ‘No problem. Shall we eat?’

We haven’t won on the lottery again. I never expect to, and would be happy to stop doing it altogether – it seems so greedy when we already have so much – but Adam always wants me to buy a ticket on the way home. ‘It’s fun,’ he says, ‘something for us to enjoy together.’ I’m completely in favour of that, so I oblige, week after week, stopping in at the newsagents on the corner of our street on my walk home from town every Friday. The bloke behind the counter recognises me now, and has started to pre-empt my request with a ‘Still not won, then?’ remark. It irritates me probably more than it should.

After the lottery results, we watch a cheerful film about a man whose daughter is kidnapped and sold into prostitution, and then we decide to call it a night.

I’m in the kitchen finishing off the clearing up and, as I’m wiping down the tiles behind the sink, I remember suddenly Adam’s text from earlier. He hasn’t been in here since then so his phone must still be over on the counter by the kettle. I could have a very quick look at the preview, just to find out who it’s from. I won’t actually open it and read it, I’ll literally just look at the name. Of course, the first part of the message will be visible in the preview as well anyway, so it won’t matter if I read that bit – anyone could see it as it’s on display so it can’t be that private, and I won’t be able to help it. I glance up at the kitchen door, listen carefully for a few seconds and, hearing nothing, I move quickly over to the kettle and start hunting around. The phone must be here, but I discover straight away that it’s not where I remember last seeing it. I look behind the kettle but of course it’s not there either. I check the entire length of all three kitchen sides, in the sink, behind the microwave and have a cursory glance into all the cupboards, but it’s not to be found. Where the hell is it? Adam has definitely not come back into the kitchen since we left to watch the lottery earlier, so how could it have moved?

Unless. A dart of frustration shoots through me briefly. He did get up once during the film, to go to the loo. ‘Ooh, pause it a second,’ he said, ‘need a wee.’ Then he was up and out of there like his trousers were on fire. Strange for him to move like that, just for a wee. But now it’s obvious: he must have suddenly realised his phone wasn’t in his pocket, and rushed to pick it up from the kitchen on his way upstairs. Bloody hell, that was probably my only chance to find out who the text was from. Although the three times that I’ve actually managed to get my hands on his phone since I’ve known him, it’s had an impossible-to-break screen lock code on it. No amount of combinations of his birthday, my birthday … well, they’re the only two things I’ve tried, to be honest, as I have no other information to go on. But I couldn’t unlock it. It might as well have been in a box, locked inside a safe with a secret key, buried underground, for all the good it did me.

But there’s always the chance that the lock won’t be on. That’s what keeps me going.

When I get upstairs, he’s already in the bedroom, but no sound is coming from the room. I remember to step over the penultimate stair to avoid making it creak, then stealthily cross the landing and peep into the bedroom through the crack of the door. Sure enough, there is Adam, standing motionless at the end of the bed, staring down at the screen of his mobile phone, the light from it illuminating his face bluish white. He’s not replying, not smiling, not reacting at all to what he’s reading. Unless you consider his non-reaction as a reaction in itself. It’s spooky actually, his complete lack of response to this message. He’s utterly immobile, as if frozen.

‘Ooh, it’s a bit chilly in here,’ I say, blustering in. I’m rewarded by him jumping guiltily and slipping the phone fluidly into his trouser pocket as he turns to me with a smile. I feel a small leap of hope: he didn’t get a chance to delete the message.

‘Come on then,’ he says, as if nothing has happened, ‘let’s get into bed and warm each other up.’

A little spark of excitement fires in my lower belly at these words, and I shed my clothes in a single movement. This is it – it’s our anniversary, when better to indulge in a little happy dancing than tonight? Once we’re under the covers, he moves close up behind me, his knees just brushing the backs of my thighs. My belly starts squirming as I feel his hot breath on my neck, then I shiver as very gently he places his freezing hands flat against my back. Then he turns them over and presses their cold backs to my skin. ‘Ooh, that’s lush,’ he murmurs, then turns them over again.

Everyone thinks Adam is out of my league. They don’t actually say it – not to me anyway – but I can see it in their eyes when they look at us. Even my own mum, for God’s sake. She kind of glances from me to him and back again, then gives a tiny uncomprehending shake of her head before turning away. She thinks I haven’t noticed, but of course I have. My sister Lauren fancies him rotten and wouldn’t hesitate to betray our sisterly bond if she ever got the chance. I’m not sure I’d even blame her. Adam is tall and handsome and successful and charming and everyone adores him, my family in particular. That’s not to say they don’t adore me. Of course they do. They’re always ‘Oh Gracie, you’re so funny’ and ‘Isn’t Gracie just fantastic?’ and ‘You look pretty today, Gracie.’ But when I first brought Adam home to meet everyone on take-away night three years ago, it was a family bucket of shock and awe all round.

‘Hi everyone,’ I said proudly. ‘This is Adam.’

They looked up as one from what they were doing – watching Doctor Who, I think – and stared open-mouthed at the golden Adonis that had dropped from Mount Olympus to stand at my side. There was a brief hiatus during which the Tardis materialised noisily, then Mum and my brother Robbie were scrabbling for the remote – ‘Pause it, pause it, quick, who’s got the thing, who’s got the cocking thing?’ ‘I’ve got it, Christ, stop pressuring me, I’m doing it!’ – Lauren was standing up slowly, trying to look like Pussy Galore; and Dad leaned back in his chair with a satisfied grin, as if to say, ‘finally’.

Adam looked coolly at everyone in turn, appraising, taking in, sizing up; and then, with a slow nod, said, ‘So. You’re the ones.’

‘The ones who?’ was the general enquiry that came from everyone. He paused before answering, so his statement had maximum impact. ‘The four people in the world who think Doctor Who is worth watching.’

Adam was my landlord. Don’t worry, no impropriety took place, a tenant dating her landlord; I’ve Googled it and there’s nothing that says it’s inappropriate. It’s not as if he took advantage of me while I was renting a room in his house or anything hideous like that. No strategic holes in bathroom walls, no cameras planted in my room, no sleaze; just a shop on the high street. I’d gone in there a few months earlier to enquire about a flat I’d seen advertised in the local paper. My friend Annabel Price had lived there after having her illicit baby when the rest of us were still in the sixth form, and we all used to pile round after school and pretend to be grown-ups, alternating between consuming coffee and cigarettes on the fire escape, and holding the baby; while somewhere in the background Annabel sobbed into her sterilising tank.

I knew that hideous little place, I knew its mouldy walls and its stained carpets and the latent nappy smell and when I saw it advertised a thrill of excitement went through me and I got a fatalistic sense that it had been waiting for me. I was twenty-four at the time, so it was aeons and aeons since I’d left school, and here was a chance to relive those heady days. I’d had no desire at all to leave my parents’ place until that moment; but for Annabel Price’s flat, I knew I could make the break.

Adam was sitting at the single desk in his tiny office, which was squeezed in between the East of India and the dry cleaners. It had a plate-glass front with his name, ‘Adam Littleton’, etched onto it in an arc, and underneath it said ‘Estate Management’. It was very impressive. It was August and the sun was shining straight through that enormous window covering the floor with a gorgeous golden carpet, so inside was barbarically hot. As soon as I stepped through the door, my instinct was to run from the fire, but Adam looked at me and smiled, so I stayed. I did want that flat, after all.

‘Hi, how can I help?’ he asked straight away, standing up and coming around the desk, allowing no chance at all for the potential customer – me – to change their mind and leave.

I scanned the properties displayed on the walls, hoping to see the advert for the flat that had appeared in the paper. A small desk fan was rotating ineffectually on the desk. ‘Um, I saw a flat, in the paper …’

‘OK. Which paper was it?’

I blinked. I had been expecting him to ask which flat it was. ‘I think it was the Herald. It was a one-bedroom …’ But in that very small space of time, like a magician, he’d produced a sheet of paper from somewhere and was holding it out to me to check.

‘Is this the one?’

I moved forward and took one end of the paper. ‘Yes, that’s it.’ I looked up at him. ‘Is it still available?’

He whipped the paper away dramatically. ‘You don’t want to live there,’ he said, theatrically screwing up the sheet of paper and tossing it backwards over his shoulder, ‘it’s a dump.’

‘Oh, well, no, the thing is—’

‘Now, I’ve got something for you that’s a lot more suitable,’ he said, rubbing his hands together and opening and closing his fingers. ‘A much nicer place, coming on in a few days.’

‘But I don’t—’

‘Take it from me, you won’t believe your eyes when you see this.’ He focused on my eyes for a split second longer than necessary, rubbed his hands together again and flexed his fingers, then delicately reached into his top jacket pocket and pulled out a small, folded piece of paper. It was approximately the size of a postage stamp.

I stared down at it in the palm of his hand, then looked up at him and pressed my lips together. ‘I’m sure it’s lovely, but I don’t think it’s big enough for me.’

There was a second’s pause, then he burst out laughing, throwing his head back and guffawing fruitily, then leaning forward and clutching his tummy. It all felt a bit … exaggerated, as if he was trying to give me the impression that he thought I was hysterically funny, rather than actually thinking I was hysterically funny.

As I waited for him to calm down, waves of heat started to pour over me and I could feel sweat beading out everywhere. Eventually he stood up again and wiped his eyes, puffing out a couple of ‘whoo!’s and nodding appreciatively at me. ‘Oh my God, that was hilarious!’ he proclaimed. ‘You’re very funny.’ Incredibly, he still looked cool and dry, in spite of the heat.

‘Thank you. Um, can I just find out about the—?’

‘So this property is not even being advertised yet,’ he cut in, and began unfolding the sheet in his hand. ‘It’s so much more you, if you’ll forgive me. Classy, attractive, modern and stylish. I think you’re going to love it.’

I tried to raise my eyebrows sceptically, to indicate that I was not the type to succumb to mindless flattery. But inside my mind was jumping up and down and squealing, ‘He thinks I’m attractive!’

And he was right, the flat did look lovely. Obviously very recently decorated; new bathroom and kitchenette; brand new carpets everywhere; light, spacious rooms. It was definitely going to be far more than I could afford. ‘There’s no price on here,’ I pointed out, searching through the information sheet. ‘How much is the rent?’

‘Same as that other place.’

I widened my eyes. ‘No way!’

He nodded decisively. ‘Totally way.’

I stared down at the photos. ‘I don’t believe it.’ I looked up at him and found his eyes on me. He thinks I’m attractive! ‘It does look gorgeous,’ I said, holding out the sheet of paper towards him, ‘but I’m not sure it’s what I’m looking for.’

‘In what way?’

He was so abrupt, I was a bit startled. ‘Oh, um, only that it was that flat in the paper, on Hardwick Road, that I wanted specifically. I like it.’

‘But why would you want somewhere shabby like that when you can have this beautiful new place for the same money?’ He actually scratched his head. ‘It just doesn’t add up.’

I thought about it for a moment. He did make a very good point. But I had been so happy in Annabel’s flat, all those years ago. ‘No, well, it does for me. So, is it available?’

He leaned against the edge of the desk and put his hands down on either side. ‘Look, um, Miss …?’

‘Grace. Just call me Grace.’

‘OK, Grace. I’m going to make an assumption about you, if you’ll allow me. You’re planning on moving into this flat on your own, right?’

‘Well that’s fairly evident, seeing as I’m here on my own.’

‘Right. So you’ll be living there alone. What will you do if you need to change a fuse? What if the pipes burst? What if the electrics cause a fire? Supposing you need to re-plaster somewhere, or grout something. What will you do?’

I shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, although a seed of anxiety was germinating inside me. ‘Isn’t all that down to the landlord?’

He smiled smugly. ‘Not everything, Grace. Not decorating. Not emergency repairs in the middle of the night. Even if he does take responsibility, he’s got to get there, hasn’t he? What if you’ve got water flooding through the ceiling at three a.m., destroying all your belongings, soaking the carpet and the plaster, putting you at risk of a ceiling collapse? What will you do then?’

I hadn’t really thought about any of that, and was now fully gripped by panic. But I certainly didn’t want him to know it. I’d have to Google what to do later. ‘I’ll do the simple things myself and get my dad to do the rest. Why?’

He shook his head patronisingly, as if no way in hell was I ever going to cope with anything. ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier if you got a place that didn’t need anything doing to it? So you’d never have to worry about anything or think about anything or pay for anything?’

Fifteen minutes later, we were looking round the new place. Turned out to be his own flat, just above the shop. I wandered around the large cream rooms and compared them mentally to Annabel’s woodchip and cramped kitchen. I had to admit, this place was attractive. An hour after first walking into Adam’s shop, I’d signed the contract and agreed to meet for dinner the following evening. Adam told me months later that as soon as I’d walked in, he wanted me to rent it. He liked me that much, that quickly.

The next day is Sunday and we have a long lie-in then wander round to the pub for their very reasonable carvery lunch. The broccoli is over-cooked, and the spuds are still cold in the middle, but it is so reasonable, and so convenient.

‘How’s your meal?’ Adam asks me, enthusiastically forking turkey into his mouth.

I nod. ‘S’fine.’

He nods back. ‘I love this place. Don’t you? I mean, it’s so great. All this food, at this price, and just round the corner.’

When we come out after dinner, it’s started raining so we run shrieking back to our house then snuggle up on the sofa to watch a romance about a woman whose husband gets killed so she slaughters everyone responsible.

The text message is on my mind all day. And all the next day, while we’re both at work. All week, in fact. Repeatedly I try to get on my own in a room with the phone, but fail because the phone is always in Adam’s possession. He doesn’t let it out of his sight for four days straight. Then, on Thursday evening, he takes it out of his pocket to answer a call from his mum, and at the end, after clicking it off and closing it down, he distractedly places it on the kitchen table. I freeze. I am electrified, and my eyes immediately zoom in on it lying there as he walks away. It’s exposed, vulnerable, and I need to attack. We move around it, preparing the dinner, back and forth across the kitchen, and I’m acutely aware of it the entire time. I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s permanently in my periphery, the only thing I can see. When will he leave the room? He must need the toilet eventually – surely he will leave it there when he goes? It would look very suss if he goes off upstairs for a wee and stops at the table on the way to pick up his phone. Surely he would want to avoid arousing my suspicion like that?

‘Gracie?’

His voice finally breaks through my reverie. ‘Hmm? Sorry?’

‘Wake up, dolly daydream. I’ve asked you three times to put the kettle on for the gravy. You’re miles away.’

‘Oh, sorry, just thinking about Dad. You know his birthday is coming up. I’ve got no idea what to get him. What do you think?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, you’re good at that kind of thing, I’ll leave it to you.’ He turns away. ‘Just popping to the loo.’

I nod, watching in horror as he moves back towards the table. ‘Um, do you want a drink, Ad? How about a beer?’

He stops, turns back, looks at me. I hold my breath. ‘Yeah, OK, thanks.’ He turns back to the table and takes the final two steps to get there, then scoops up the phone and without breaking stride slips it into his pocket. Then he’s through the door and on his way upstairs.

Friday night comes around again and I’m home first, as usual. We’ve already agreed we’re having take-away tonight, so I’ve got no dinner preparations to make. The house is stifling, and the first thing I do is unlock the sliding back door and push it open. It makes no difference; the gentle breeze on the street hasn’t made it to our enclosed garden, and the heat and I move around the yard sluggishly in oppressive waves. I head back inside to wash up the breakfast things, straighten the cushions on the sofa, twitch the curtains. I’m just killing time until he comes home, but I have literally nothing to do and I can’t relax.

‘You need some hobbies,’ Mum is always saying. ‘Why don’t you take up knitting?’

Yeah, I know what that means. There’s absolutely no way I’m having a baby yet. Not with Adam, anyway.

I stop, midway through a pointless wander across the hallway. What the bloody hell does that mean, ‘not with Adam’? Who the hell else will I have a baby with? He’s my husband, isn’t he? I know I definitely want kids some day, so what am I actually thinking? That when the time is right, I’ll go off and do it with someone else? Of course not.

Although the chance to get pregnant in the first place would be nice.

When the phone rings in the living room a few minutes later, I’m standing in the kitchen staring into the fridge for some reason. I slam it shut and move swiftly to the living room, grateful to have a purpose at last. Just as my hand reaches out to grab the receiver, I hesitate. It’ll only be insurance sales after all; they’re the only people who ring the landline any more. Well, pseudo-people. No actual fingers press actual keys.

The answer phone clicks on and plays its message, and after the beep I wait to hear the usual spooky silence of the computer checking to see if anyone is there and then giving up and going down the pub. But instead I’m shocked to hear the sound of a man’s deep voice coming into my living room from the speaker.

‘Hello Adam, it’s Leon. Long time no see. Betcha didn’t expect to hear from me again, did you? Come as a bit of a shock, has it? Ha, I bet it has. Just thought I’d give you a call, let you know I’m in the area – nearby actually. Very nearby. Would only take me two minutes to get to your place from here. Piece of cake. I’m gonna try to catch up with you very soon. Don’t worry about calling me back, I’ll be in touch.’

The phone clicks as Leon replaces the receiver, and the room falls silent. In my mind I could hear the italics in his voice, particularly as he said those two names, as if just in saying them he was trying to make some kind of point. But what point could he possibly be making? And why? And, by the way, who the fuck is Leon? We’ve been married a year, how come Adam has never mentioned him to me before? I know everything about him, all his friends, all his old jobs, where he used to live, everything.

Ha ha ha. That’s just me being sarcastic with myself. I, of course, know none of those things. A creepy phone call from a weirdo called Leon should not be remotely surprising, considering what I do know about Adam.

I don’t have any more time to consider it now as I hear Adam’s car on the drive. He’s home. I walk away from the phone and go into the hall to greet him, as I always do.

‘Hi there,’ he says as he sees me. ‘Good day?’

I nod. ‘Yeah, not bad. You?’

He nods too. ‘Yeah, good.’ He starts up the stairs and I follow behind. ‘Finally sorted out that three-bed semi in Whitlow.’