THIRD ACT
Scene: Lady Frederick's dressing-room. At the back is a large opening, curtained, which leads to the bedroom; on the right a door leading to the passage; on the left a window. In front of the window, of which the blind is drawn, is a dressing-table. Lady Frederick's maid is in the room, a very neat pretty Frenchwoman. She speaks with a slight accent. She rings the bell, and the Footman enters.
Maid
As soon as Lord Mereston arrives he is to be shown in.
Footman
[Surprised.] Here?
Maid
Where else?
[The Footman winks significantly. The Maid draws herself up with dignity, and with a dramatic gesture points to the door.
Maid
Depart.
[The Footman goes out.
Lady Frederick
[From the bedroom.] Have you drawn the blind, Angélique?
Maid
I will do so, miladi. [She draws the blind, and the light falls brightly on the dressing-table.] But miladi will never be able to stand it. [She looks at herself in the glass.] Oh, the light of the sun in the morning! I cannot look at myself.
Lady Frederick
[As before.] There's no reason that you should – especially in my glass.
Maid
But if 'is lordship is coming, miladi must let me draw the blind. Oh, it is impossible.
Lady Frederick
Do as you're told and don't interfere.
[The Footman enters to announce Mereston. The Maid goes out.
Footman
Lord Mereston.
Lady Frederick
[As before.] Is that you, Charlie? You're very punctual.
Mereston
I've been walking about outside till the clock struck.
Lady Frederick
I'm not nearly dressed, you know. I've only just had my bath.
Mereston
Must I go?
Lady Frederick
No, of course not. You can talk to me while I'm finishing.
Mereston
All right. How are you this morning?
Lady Frederick
I don't know. I haven't looked at myself in the glass yet. How are you?
Mereston
A 1, thanks.
Lady Frederick
Are you looking nice?
Mereston
[Going to the glass.] I hope so. By Jove, what a strong light. You must be pretty sure of your complexion to be able to stand that.
Lady Frederick
[Appearing.] I am.
Mereston
[Going forward eagerly.] Ah.
[She comes through the curtains. She wears a kimono, her hair is all dishevelled, hanging about her head in a tangled mop. She is not made up and looks haggard and yellow and lined. When Mereston sees her he gives a slight start of surprise. She plays the scene throughout with her broadest brogue.
Lady Frederick
Good-morning.
Mereston
[Staring at her in dismay.] Good-morning.
Lady Frederick
Well, what have you to say to me?
Mereston
[Embarrassed.] I – er – hope you slept all right.
Lady Frederick
[Laughing.] Did you?
Mereston
I forget.
Lady Frederick
I believe you slept like a top, Charlie. You really might have lain awake and thought of me. What is the matter? You look as if you'd seen a ghost.
Mereston
Oh no, not at all.
Lady Frederick
You're not disappointed already?
Mereston
No, of course not. Only – you look so different with your hair not done.
Lady Frederick
[With a little cry.] Oh, I'd forgotten all about it. Angélique, come and do my hair.
Maid
[Appearing.] Yes, miladi.
[Lady Frederick sits down at the dressing-table.
Lady Frederick
Now, take pains, Angélique. I want to look my very best. Angélique is a jewel of incalculable value.
Maid
Miladi is very kind.
Lady Frederick
If I'm light-hearted, she does it one way. If I'm depressed she does it another.
Maid
Oh, miladi, the perruquier who taught me said always that a good hairdresser could express every mood and every passion of the human heart.
Lady Frederick
Good heavens, you don't mean to say you can do all that?
Maid
Miladi, he said I was his best pupil.
Lady Frederick
Very well. Express – express a great crisis in my affairs.
Maid
That is the easiest thing in the world, miladi. I bring the hair rather low on the forehead, and that expresses a crisis in her ladyship's affairs.
Lady Frederick
But I always wear my hair low on the forehead.
Maid
Then it is plain her ladyship's affairs are always in a critical condition.
Lady Frederick
So they are. I never thought of that.
Mereston
You've got awfully stunning hair, Lady Frederick.
Lady Frederick
D'you like it, really?
Mereston
The colour's perfectly beautiful.
Lady Frederick
It ought to be. It's frightfully expensive.
Mereston
You don't mean to say it's dyed?
Lady Frederick
Oh, no. Only touched up. That's quite a different thing.
Mereston
Is it?
Lady Frederick
It's like superstition, you know, which is what other people believe. My friends dye their hair, but I only touch mine up. Unfortunately, it costs just as much.
Mereston
And you have such a lot.
Lady Frederick
Oh, heaps. [She opens a drawer and takes out a long switch.] Give him a bit to look at.
Maid
Yes, miladi.
[She gives it to him.
Mereston
Er – yes. [Not knowing what on earth to say.] How silky it is.
Lady Frederick
A poor thing, but mine own. At least, I paid for it. By the way, have I paid for it yet, Angélique?
Maid
Not yet, miladi. But the man can wait.
Lady Frederick
[Taking it from Mereston.] A poor thing, then, but my hairdresser's. Shall I put it on?
Mereston
I wouldn't, if I were you.
Maid
If her ladyship anticipates a tragic situation, I would venture to recommend it. A really pathetic scene is impossible without a quantity of hair worn quite high on the head.
Lady Frederick
Oh, I know. Whenever I want to soften the hard heart of a creditor I clap on every bit I've got. But I don't think I will to-day. I'll tell you what, a temple curl would just fit the case.
Maid
Then her ladyship inclines to comedy. Very well, I say no more.
[Lady Frederick takes two temple-curls from the drawer.
Lady Frederick
Aren't they dears?
Mereston
Yes.
Lady Frederick
You've admired them very often, Charlie, haven't you? I suppose you never knew they cost a guinea each?
Mereston
It never occurred to me they were false.
Lady Frederick
The masculine intelligence is so gross. Didn't your mother tell you?
Mereston
My mother told me a great deal.
Lady Frederick
I expect she overdid it. There. Now that's done. D'you think it looks nice?
Mereston
Charming.
Lady Frederick
Angélique, his lordship is satisfied. You may disappear.
Maid
Yes, miladi.
[She goes.
Lady Frederick
Now, tell me you think I'm the most ravishing creature you ever saw in your life.
Mereston
I've told you that so often.
Lady Frederick
[Stretching out her hands.] You are a nice boy. It was charming of you to say – what you did yesterday. I could have hugged you there and then.
Mereston
Could you?
Lady Frederick
Oh, my dear, don't be so cold.
Mereston
I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to be.
Lady Frederick
Haven't you got anything nice to say to me at all?
Mereston
I don't know what I can say that I've not said a thousand times already.
Lady Frederick
Tell me what you thought of all night when you tossed on that sleepless pillow of yours.
Mereston
I was awfully anxious to see you again.
Lady Frederick
Didn't you have a dreadful fear that I shouldn't be as nice as you imagined? Now, come – honestly.
Mereston
Well, yes, I suppose it crossed my mind.
Lady Frederick
And am I?
Mereston
Of course.
Lady Frederick
You're sure you're not disappointed?
Mereston
Quite sure.
Lady Frederick
What a relief! You know, I've been tormenting myself dreadfully. I said to myself: "He'll go on thinking of me till he imagines I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and then, when he comes here and sees the plain reality, it'll be an awful blow."
Mereston
What nonsense! How could you think anything of the kind?
Lady Frederick
Are you aware that you haven't shown the least desire to kiss me yet?
Mereston
I thought – I thought you might not like it.
Lady Frederick
It'll be too late in a minute.
Mereston
Why?
Lady Frederick
Because I'm just going to make up, you silly boy.
Mereston
How? I don't understand.
Lady Frederick
You said I must be very sure of my complexion. Of course I am. Here it is.
[She runs her fingers over a row of little pots and vases.
Mereston
Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.
Lady Frederick
You don't mean to say you thought it natural?
Mereston
It never occurred to me it might be anything else.
Lady Frederick
It's really too disheartening. I spend an hour every day of my life making the best complexion in Monte Carlo, and you think it's natural. Why, I might as well be a dairymaid of eighteen.
Mereston
I'm very sorry.
Lady Frederick
I forgive you… You may kiss my hand. [He does so.] You dear boy. [Looking at herself in the glass.] Oh, Betsy, you're not looking your best to-day. [Shaking her finger at the glass.] This won't do, Betsy, my dear. You're very nearly looking your age. [Turning round quickly.] D'you think I look forty?
Mereston
I never asked myself how old you were.
Lady Frederick
Well, I'm not, you know. And I shan't be as long as there's a pot of rouge and a powder puff in the world. [She rubs grease paint all over her face.]
Mereston
What are you doing?
Lady Frederick
I wish I were an actress. They have such an advantage. They only have to make up to look well behind the footlights; but I have to expose myself to that beastly sun.
Mereston
[Nervously.] Yes, of course.
Lady Frederick
Is your mother dreadfully annoyed with you? And Paradine must be furious. I shall call him Uncle Paradine next time I see him. It'll make him feel so middle-aged. Charlie, you don't know how grateful I am for what you did yesterday. You acted like a real brick.
Mereston
It's awfully good of you to say so.
Lady Frederick
[Turning.] Do I look a fright?
Mereston
Oh, no, not at all.
Lady Frederick
I love this powder. It plays no tricks with you. Once I put on a new powder that I bought in Paris, and as soon as I went into artificial light it turned a bright mauve. I was very much annoyed. You wouldn't like to go about with a mauve face, would you?
Mereston
No, not at all.
Lady Frederick
Fortunately I had a green frock on. And mauve and green were very fashionable that year. Still I'd sooner it hadn't been on my face… There. I think that'll do as a foundation. I'm beginning to feel younger already. Now for the delicate soft bloom of youth. The great difficulty, you know, is to make both your cheeks the same colour. [Turning to him.] Charlie, you're not bored, are you?
Mereston
No, no.
Lady Frederick
I always think my observations have a peculiar piquancy when I have only one cheek rouged. I remember once I went out to dinner, and as soon as I sat down I grew conscious of the fact that one of my cheeks was much redder than the other.
Mereston
By George, that was awkward.
Lady Frederick
Charlie, you are a good-looking boy. I had no idea you were so handsome. And you look so young and fresh, it's quite a pleasure to look at you.
Mereston
[Laughing awkwardly.] D'you think so? What did you do when you discovered your predicament?
Lady Frederick
Well, by a merciful interposition of Providence, I had a foreign diplomatist on my right side which bloomed like a rose, and a bishop on my left which was white like the lily. The diplomatist told me risky stories all through dinner so it was quite natural that this cheek should blush fiery red. And as the Bishop whispered in my left ear harrowing details of distress in the East End, it was only decent that the other should exhibit a becoming pallor. [Meanwhile she has been rouging her cheeks.] Now look carefully, Charlie, and you'll see how I make the Cupid's bow which is my mouth. I like a nice healthy colour on the lips, don't you?
Mereston
Isn't it awfully uncomfortable to have all that stuff on?
Lady Frederick
Ah, my dear boy, it's woman's lot to suffer in this world. But it's a great comfort to think that one is submitting to the decrees of Providence and at the same time adding to one's personal attractiveness. But I confess I sometimes wish I needn't blow my nose so carefully. Smile, Charlie. I don't think you're a very ardent lover, you know.
Mereston
I'm sorry. What would you like me to do?
Lady Frederick
I should like you to make me impassioned speeches.
Mereston
I'm afraid they'd be so hackneyed.
Lady Frederick
Never mind that. I've long discovered that under the influence of profound emotion a man always expresses himself in the terms of the Family Herald.
Mereston
You must remember that I'm awfully inexperienced.
Lady Frederick
Well, I'll let you off this time – because I like your curly hair. [She sighs amorously.] Now for the delicate arch of my eyebrows. I don't know what I should do without this. I've got no eyebrows at all really… Have you ever noticed that dark line under the eyes which gives such intensity to my expression?
Mereston
Yes, often.
Lady Frederick
[Holding out the pencil.] Well, here it is. Ah, my dear boy, in this pencil you have at will roguishness and languor, tenderness and indifference, sprightliness, passion, malice, what you will. Now be very quiet for one moment. If I overdo it my whole day will be spoilt. You mustn't breathe even. Whenever I do this I think how true those lines are:
"The little more and how much it is.
The little less and what worlds away."
There! Now just one puff of powder, and the whole world's kind. [Looking at herself in the glass and sighing with satisfaction.] Ah! I feel eighteen. I think it's a success, and I shall have a happy day. Oh, Betsy, Betsy, I think you'll do. You know, you're not unattractive, my dear. Not strictly beautiful, perhaps; but then I don't like the chocolate-box sort of woman. I'll just go and take off this dressing-gown. [Mereston gets up.] No, don't move. I'll go into my bedroom. I shall only be one moment. [Lady Frederick goes through the curtains.] Angélique.
[The Maid enters.
Maid
Yes, miladi.
Lady Frederick
Just clear away those things on the dressing-table.
Maid
[Doing so.] Very well, miladi.
Lady Frederick
You may have a cigarette, Charlie.
Mereston
Thanks. My nerves are a bit dicky this morning.
Lady Frederick
Oh, blow the thing! Angélique, come and help me.
Maid
Yes, miladi.
[She goes out.
Lady Frederick
At last.
[She comes in, having changed the kimono for a very beautiful dressing-gown of silk and lace.
Lady Frederick
Now, are you pleased?
Mereston
Of course I'm pleased.
Lady Frederick
Then you may make love to me.
Mereston
You say such disconcerting things.
Lady Frederick
[Laughing.] Well, Charlie, you've found no difficulty in doing it for the last fortnight. You're not going to pretend that you're already at a loss for pretty speeches?
Mereston
When I came here, I had a thousand things to say to you, but you've driven them all out of my head. Won't you give me an answer now?
Lady Frederick
What to?
Mereston
You've not forgotten that I asked you to marry me?
Lady Frederick
No, but you asked me under very peculiar circumstances. I wonder if you can repeat the offer now in cold blood?
Mereston
Of course. What a cad you must think me!
Lady Frederick
Are you sure you want to marry me still – after having slept over it?
Mereston
Yes.
Lady Frederick
You are a good boy, and I'm a beast to treat you so abominably. It's awfully nice of you.
Mereston
Well, what is the answer?
Lady Frederick
My dear, I've been giving it you for the last half-hour.
Mereston
How?
Lady Frederick
You don't for a moment suppose I should have let you into those horrible mysteries of my toilette if I'd had any intention of marrying you? Give me credit for a certain amount of intelligence and good feeling. I should have kept up the illusion, at all events till after the honeymoon.
Mereston
Are you going to refuse me?
Lady Frederick
Aren't you rather glad?
Mereston
No, no, no.
Lady Frederick
[Putting her arm through his.] Now let us talk it over sensibly. You're a very nice boy, and I'm awfully fond of you. But you're twenty-two, and heaven only knows my age. You see, the church in which I was baptized was burnt down the year I was born, so I don't know how old I am.
Mereston
[Smiling.] Where was it burnt?
Lady Frederick
In Ireland.
Mereston
I thought so.
Lady Frederick
Just at present I can make a decent enough show by taking infinite pains; and my hand is not so heavy that the innocent eyes of your sex can discover how much of me is due to art. But in ten years you'll only be thirty-two, and then, if I married you, my whole life would be a mortal struggle to preserve some semblance of youth. Haven't you seen those old hags who've never surrendered to Anno Domini, with their poor, thin, wrinkled cheeks covered with paint, and the dreadful wigs that hide a hairless pate? Rather cock-eyed, don't you know, and invariably flaxen. You've laughed at their ridiculous graces, and you've been disgusted too. Oh, I'm so sorry for them, poor things. And I should become just like that, for I should never have the courage to let my hair be white so long as yours was brown. But if I don't marry you, I can look forward to the white hairs fairly happily. The first I shall pluck out, and the second I shall pluck out. But when the third comes I'll give in, and I'll throw my rouge and my poudre de riz and my pencils into the fire.
Mereston
But d'you think I should ever change?
Lady Frederick
My dear boy, I'm sure of it. Can't you imagine what it would be to be tied to a woman who was always bound to sit with her back to the light? And sometimes you might want to kiss me.
Mereston
I think it very probable.
Lady Frederick
Well, you couldn't – in case you disarranged my complexion. [Mereston sighs deeply.] Don't sigh, Charlie. I daresay I was horrid to let you fall in love with me, but I'm only human, and I was desperately flattered.
Mereston
Was that all?
Lady Frederick
And rather touched. That is why I want to give a cure with my refusal.
Mereston
But you break my heart.
Lady Frederick
My dear, men have said that to me ever since I was fifteen, but I've never noticed that in consequence they ate their dinner less heartily.
Mereston
I suppose you think it was only calf-love?
Lady Frederick
I'm not such a fool as to imagine a boy can love any less than a man. If I'd thought your affection ridiculous I shouldn't have been so flattered.
Mereston
It doesn't hurt any the less because the wounds you make are clean cut.
Lady Frederick
But they'll soon heal. And you'll fall in love with a nice girl of your own age, whose cheeks flush with youth and not with rouge, and whose eyes sparkle because they love you, and not because they're carefully made up.
Mereston
But I wanted to help you. You're in such an awful scrape, and if you'll only marry me it can all be set right.
Lady Frederick
Oh, my dear, don't go in for self-sacrifice. You must leave that to women. They're so much more used to it.
Mereston
Isn't there anything I can do for you?
Lady Frederick
No, dear. I shall get out of the mess somehow. I always do. You really need not worry about me.
Mereston
You know, you are a brick.
Lady Frederick
Then it's all settled, isn't it? And you're not going to be unhappy?
Mereston
I'll try not to be.
Lady Frederick
I'd like to imprint a chaste kiss on your forehead, only I'm afraid it would leave a mark.
[The Footman comes in and announces Paradine Fouldes.
Footman
Mr. Paradine Fouldes.
[Exit.
Fouldes
Do I disturb?
Lady Frederick
Not at all. We've just finished our conversation.
Fouldes
Well?
Mereston
If any one wants to know who the best woman in the world is send 'em to me, and I'll tell them.
Lady Frederick
[Taking his hand.] You dear! Good-bye.
Mereston
Good-bye. And thanks for being so kind to me.
[He goes out.
Fouldes
Do I see in front of me my prospective niece?
Lady Frederick
Why d'you ask, Uncle Paradine?
Fouldes
Singularly enough because I want to know.
Lady Frederick
Well, it so happens – you don't.
Fouldes
You've refused him?
Lady Frederick
I have.
Fouldes
Then will you tell me why you've been leading us all such a devil of a dance?
Lady Frederick
Because you interfered with me, and I allow no one to do that.
Fouldes
Hoity-toity.
Lady Frederick
You weren't really so foolish as to imagine I should marry a boy who set me up on a pedestal and vowed he was unworthy to kiss the hem of my garment?
Fouldes
Why not?
Lady Frederick
My dear Paradine, I don't want to commit suicide by sheer boredom. There's only one thing in the world more insufferable than being in love.
Fouldes
And what is that, pray?
Lady Frederick
Why, having some one in love with you.
Fouldes
I've suffered from it all my life.
Lady Frederick
Think of living up to the ideal Charlie has of me. My hair would turn a hydrogen yellow in a week. And then to be so desperately adored as all that – oh, it's so dull! I should have to wear a mask all day long. I could never venture to be natural in case I shocked him. And notwithstanding all my efforts I should see the illusions tumbling about his ears one by one till he realised I was no ethereal goddess, but a very ordinary human woman neither better nor worse than anybody else.
Fouldes
Your maxim appears to be, marry any one you like except the man that's in love with you.
Lady Frederick
Ah, but don't you think I might find a man who loved me though he knew me through and through? I'd far rather that he saw my faults and forgave them than that he thought me perfect.
Fouldes
But how d'you know you've choked the boy off for good?
Lady Frederick
I took good care. I wanted to cure him. If it had been possible I would have shown him my naked soul. But I couldn't do that, so I let him see…
Fouldes
[Interrupting.] What!
Lady Frederick
[Laughing.] No, not quite. I had a dressing-gown on and other paraphernalia. But I made him come here when I wasn't made up, and he sat by while I rouged my cheeks.
Fouldes
And the young fool thought there was nothing more in you than a carefully prepared complexion?
Lady Frederick
He was very nice about it. But I think he was rather relieved when I refused him.
[There is a knock at the door.]
Gerald
[Outside.] May we come in?
Lady Frederick
Yes do.
Enter Gerald and Rose and the Admiral.
Gerald
[Excitedly.] I say, it's all right. The Admiral's come down like a real brick. I've told him everything.
Lady Frederick
What do you mean? Good-morning, dear Admiral.
Admiral
Good-morning.
Gerald
I've made a clean breast of it. I talked it over with Rosie.
Rose
And we went to papa together.
Gerald
And told him that I owed Montgomerie nine hundred pounds.
Rose
And we thought papa would make an awful scene.
Gerald
Raise Cain, don't you know.
Rose
But he never said a word.
Gerald
He was simply ripping over it.
Lady Frederick
[Putting her hands to her ears.] Oh, oh, oh. For heaven's sake be calm and coherent.
Gerald
My dear, you don't know what a relief it is.
Rose
I saw Gerald was dreadfully worried, and I wormed it out of him.
Gerald
I'm so glad to be out of the clutches of that brute.
Rose
Now we're going to live happily ever afterwards.
[All the while the Admiral has been trying to get a word in, but each time he is about to start one of the others has broken in.
Admiral
Silence. [He puffs and blows.] I never saw such a pair in my life.
Lady Frederick
Now do explain it all, Admiral. I can't make head or tail out of these foolish creatures.
Admiral
Well, they came and told me that Montgomerie had an I.O.U. of Gerald's for nine hundred pounds and was using it to blackmail you.
Fouldes
Is that a fact?
Lady Frederick
Yes.
Admiral
I never liked the man's face. And when they said his terms were that you were to marry him or Gerald would have to send in his papers, I said …
Fouldes
Damn his impudence.
Admiral
How did you know?
Fouldes
Because I'd have said it myself.
Gerald
And the Admiral stumped up like a man. He gave me a cheque for the money, and I've just this moment sent it on to Montgomerie.
Lady Frederick
[Taking both his hands.] It's awfully good of you, and I'm sure you'll never regret that you gave Gerald a chance.
Admiral
May I have a few words' private conversation with you?
Lady Frederick
Of course. [To the others.] Make yourselves scarce.
Fouldes
We'll go on the balcony, shall we?
Admiral
I'm sorry to trouble you, but it'll only take three minutes.
[Gerald and Rose and Fouldes go on to the balcony.
Lady Frederick
[When they've gone.] There.
Admiral
Well, what I wanted to say to you was this: I like Gerald, but I think he wants guiding. D'you follow me?
Lady Frederick
I'm sure he will take your advice always.
Admiral
It's a woman's hand that he wants. Now if you and I were to join forces we could keep him out of mischief, couldn't we?
Lady Frederick
Oh, I'll come and stay with you whenever you ask me. I love giving good advice when I'm quite sure it won't be taken.
Admiral
I was thinking of a more permanent arrangement. Look here, why don't you marry me?
Lady Frederick
My dear Admiral!
Admiral
I don't think an attractive woman like you ought to live alone. She's bound to get in a scrape.
Lady Frederick
It's awfully good of you, but…
Admiral
You don't think I'm too old, do you?
Lady Frederick
Of course not. You're in the very prime of life.
Admiral
There's life in the old dog yet, I can tell you.
Lady Frederick
I feel sure of that. I never doubted it for a moment.
Admiral
Then what have you got against me?
Lady Frederick
You wouldn't like to commit polygamy, would you?
Admiral
Eh?
Lady Frederick
You see, it's not a question of marrying me only, but all my tradespeople.
Admiral
I hadn't thought of that.
Lady Frederick
Besides, you're Rose's father, and I'm Gerald's sister. If we married I should be my brother's mother-in-law, and my step-daughter would be my sister. Your daughter would be your sister-in-law, and your brother would just snap his fingers at your fatherly advice.
Admiral
[Confused.] Eh?
Lady Frederick
I don't know if the prayer-book allows things like that, but if it does I think it's hopelessly immoral.
Admiral
Well, shall I tell them I've changed my mind and they can't marry?
Lady Frederick
Then there'd be no reason for us to – commit the crime, would there?
Admiral
I hadn't thought of that. I suppose not.
Lady Frederick
You're not cross with me, are you? I'm very much flattered, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Admiral
Not at all, not at all. I only thought it might save trouble.
Lady Frederick
[Calling.] Gerald. Come along. [They come in.] We've had our little talk.
Gerald
Everything satisfactory?
Lady Frederick
[With a look at the Admiral.] Quite.
Admiral
[Gruffly.] Quite.
Lady Frederick's Footman enters
Footman
Captain Montgomerie wishes to know if he may see your ladyship.
Lady Frederick
I'd forgotten all about him.
Gerald
Let me go to him, shall I?
Lady Frederick
No, I'm not afraid of him any longer. He can't do anything to you. And as far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter.
Gerald
Then I'll tell him to go to the devil.
Lady Frederick
No, I'm going to tell him that myself. [To the Footman.] Ask Captain Montgomerie to come here.
Footman
Yes, miladi.
[Exit.
Lady Frederick.
[Walking up and down furiously.] I'm going to tell him that myself.
Fouldes
Now keep calm, Betsy.
Lady Frederick
[Very deliberately.] I shall not keep calm.
Fouldes
Remember that you're a perfect lady.
Lady Frederick
Don't interfere with me. I ate humble pie yesterday, and it didn't agree with me at all.
[Footman enters to announce Captain Montgomerie, who follows him, and immediately withdraws.
Footman
Captain Montgomerie.
Captain Montgomerie
How d'you do.
[He is obviously surprised to see the others.
Lady Frederick
[Pleasantly.] Quite a party, aren't we?
Captain Montgomerie
Yes. [A pause.] I hope you don't mind my coming so early?
Lady Frederick
Not at all. You made an appointment for half-past ten.
Captain Montgomerie
I trust you have good news for me.
Lady Frederick
Captain Montgomerie, every one here knows the circumstances that have brought you.
Captain Montgomerie
I should have thought it wiser for both our sakes not to make them too public.
Lady Frederick
[Very amiably.] I don't see why you should be ashamed because you made me a proposal of marriage?
Captain Montgomerie
I'm sorry you should think it a laughing matter, Lady Frederick.
Lady Frederick
I don't. I never laugh at an impertinence.
Captain Montgomerie
[Taken aback.] I beg your pardon.
Lady Frederick
Surely the receipt of my brother's letter was sufficient answer for you. After that you must have guessed there was no likelihood that I should change my mind.
Captain Montgomerie
What letter? I don't understand.
Gerald
I sent you a note this morning enclosing a cheque for the money I lost to you.
Captain Montgomerie
I've not received it.
Gerald
It must be waiting for you at the hotel.
[Captain Montgomerie pauses and looks meditatively at the assembled company.
Lady Frederick
I think there's nothing for which I need detain you longer.
Captain Montgomerie
[Smiling.] I don't think I've quite finished yet. Has it slipped your memory that the two bills fall due to-day? Allow me to present them.
[He takes them out of his pocket-book.
Lady Frederick
I'm very sorry I can't pay them – at present.
Captain Montgomerie
I regret that I can't wait. You must pay them.
Lady Frederick
I tell you it's impossible.
Captain Montgomerie
Then I shall get an order against you.
Lady Frederick
That you may do to your heart's content.
Captain Montgomerie
You realise the consequences. It's not very nice to be an undischarged bankrupt.
Lady Frederick
Much nicer than to marry a rascally money-lender.
Fouldes
May I look at these interesting documents?
Captain Montgomerie
Certainly. [Blandly.] I haven't the least wish to be offensive.
Fouldes
[Taking them.] You fail lamentably in achieving your wish. Three thousand five hundred pounds in all. It seems hardly worth while to make a fuss about so small a sum.
Captain Montgomerie
I'm in urgent need of money.
Fouldes
[Ironically.] So rich a man as you?
Captain Montgomerie
Even a rich man may be temporarily embarrassed.
Fouldes
Then be so good as to wait for one moment. [He sits down at a table and writes a cheque.] No sight is more affecting than that of a millionaire in financial straits.
Lady Frederick
Paradine!
Fouldes
[Handing the cheque.] Now, sir, I think that settles it. Will you exchange my cheque for those bills?
Captain Montgomerie
Damn you, I forgot you.
Fouldes
You may not be aware that it's unusual to swear in the presence of ladies.
Captain Montgomerie
[Looking at the cheque.] I suppose it's all right.
[Paradine goes to the door and opens it.
Fouldes
There is the window, and here is the door. Which will you choose?
[Captain Montgomerie looks at him without answering, shrugs his shoulders and goes out.
Lady Frederick
Oh, Paradine, you are a brick.
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