Kitabı oxu: «What Women Want Men To Know»
WHAT
WOMEN
WANT MEN
TO KNOW
The Ultimate Book About Love, Sex,
And Relationships For You –
And The Man You Love
BARBARA DE ANGELIS, PH.D.
DEDICATION
To the one I waited for all these years,
in honor of Love that does not flee from the face of fire,
but joyfully submits,
knowing that, through grace,
it will be transformed into gold.
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Introduction
A Message to Women
A Message to Men
PART I: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT US
1 Women Put Love First
2 Women Are Creators
3 Women Have a Sacred Relationship with Time
4 Women Need to Feel Safe
5 Women Need to Feel Connected
6 Women Need to Feel Valued
7 Seven Myths Men Believe About Women and Why They Are Absolutely Wrong
PART 2: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT LOVE, INTIMACY AND COMMUNICATION
8 How to Avoid Turning a Perfectly Sane Woman into a Raving Maniac
9 How to Be the Perfect Lover Outside of the Bedroom
10 Five Secrets About How Women Communicate
11 The Top Ten Male Communication Habits That Drive Women Crazy
12 What Women Hate to Hear Men Say and What Women Love to Hear Men Say
PART 3: WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT SEX
13 Sexual Secrets About Women
14 Women’s Top Twenty Sexual Turn-Offs
15 Women’s Top Twenty Sexual Turn-Ons
Conclusion
Acknowledgements
Other Works
More About Barbara De Angelis
Copyright
About the Publisher
INTRODUCTION
A MESSAGE TO WOMEN
I wrote this book for you, and for the man you love. I believe that it is a book every woman has always wished existed, a book she could give to her mate that would effectively explain all the things she wanted him to know about loving her. “Read this,” she would say, “and you will understand me.”
How many times have I myself wished for such a book: times when it was clear that, once again, I had failed to successfully convey my needs to my partner; times when, no matter how hard I tried, I could not convince him that if only he would make one small gesture or handle a situation a bit differently, things would be so much easier between us; times when my attempt to communicate what I wanted and why it was important to me resulted in him concluding that I was simply too needy rather than being motivated to do something that would make me happy. In these, and so many other moments, I would sigh, as all women have undoubtedly sighed for thousands of years, and wish there was some way I could get through to him, some way to make him understand.
If you are a woman reading this, you know this sigh well. It is the sigh that whispers, “I just want him to care enough to really see who I am.” It is the primal need to be known, to be valued, to be accepted just as you are. Of course, we all have tasted this experience of another soul truly knowing ours. Ironically, it is the bond we have with other women – our girlfriends, our sisters, our colleagues – where the very kind of deep comprehension of who we are and what we are trying to say happens effortlessly, and almost instantaneously.
Does the following story sound familiar?
You are sitting across from a girlfriend at lunch, and early on in the conversation you start to explain a problem you are having in your relationship, or something your mate did that upset you. Within moments of your initial remarks, your friend seems to understand exactly what you mean. She nods her head sympathetically, shows concern for all the right issues, and even finishes your sentences with the perfect words. And as you look at her gratefully, something inside you sighs with relief and exclaims: “YES! That’s exactly how it is … You know just how I am feeling!”
The conversation continues, and within ten minutes, you and your girlfriend have agreed on solutions to a whole list of issues that you and your husband have argued over, with no resolution, for ten years. You’re amazed at how effortless the discussion is, how completely she comprehends your emotions, your reactions, your needs. You shake your head in frustration, knowing that if you try to bring up these same topics with your mate, his response will be quite different: thinly veiled irritation; eye-rolling; sighs of weary exasperation; and numb, emotionless stares, as if you were not speaking English but Swahili, so therefore he has no idea what you are talking about!
As you finish your lunch, you thank your friend for being so supportive. And then you say the words that, at some point, we have all found ourselves saying to other women in our lives: “If only my husband could understand me like you do …! It’s too bad that you’re a woman – otherwise we’d be perfect for each other!” And your friend nods in agreement, for once again, she understands exactly what you mean …
After countless experiences like this one, after decades of working with men and women trying to help them understand one another, it was time for me to write What Women Want Men to Know. Actually, people have been asking me to write a book like this for over ten years. Ever since 1990, when I wrote my first bestseller, Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, women and men as well have begged me to create its counterpart – a book that would explain women to men. In my seminars, on my television and radio shows, through my fan mail, and whenever they would meet me on the street or in an airport, literally thousands of people have made the same kinds of comments:
“I’ve tried to explain why I am the way I am to my boyfriend, but he just doesn’t get it. I know if you explained it, he would listen!”
“Why can’t my husband understand that if he just did certain simple things, I would be so happy? Please write a book telling men what we want and why we want it!”
“My best girlfriend understands me PERFECTLY. If men could eavesdrop on what women say to each other, they would become experts on loving us!”
“Every time I try to talk to my husband about sex, he gets defensive. Could you please write the nitty-gritty stuff about women and sex for men to read like you did for women to read in your book Secrets About Men?”
“My wife complains that I’m not intimate enough, but whenever I ask her to explain what she means, her answers leave me confused, and I have no idea what she’s talking about. I really do want to make her happy, but I need help figuring her out.”
What Women Want Men to Know is my response to these requests for help from both sexes: It presents all the things women wish men knew about understanding us and loving us. Over the past twenty-five years, I have worked with tens of thousands of women, listening to what they wanted and needed from the men in their lives, and hearing their frustrations in not always being able to get these needs met. I’ve also worked with tens of thousands of men, discovering how they look at love, sex, and intimacy, and how mystified they often are about us as women. I’ve learned how to translate for women what men want and how they feel, as I did in Secrets About Men. And now, in this book, I’ve translated for men what women want, how we feel, and what we’ve been trying to tell them about loving us.
WHY MEN NEED THIS BOOK
Before we go on, there’s something very important that I need to share with you, something I reiterate to men in the next section: I love men! I have loved men my whole life, and despite a very substantial collection of heartaches and disappointments, I have never stopped loving them or given up on them or on relationships. So this book is not about what’s wrong with men; it is not designed to chastise or criticize them for not knowing how to love us properly. Rather, its intention is to invite men to see and understand women as they never have before. I have a reputation for knowing how to get through to my male readers, students, and seminar attendees, and I worked very hard in writing this book to express information in a way I hope men will really hear. You see, I understand how difficult it is for men to go where we want them to go emotionally, to open up to the kind of intimacy we crave, and to understand the heart and soul of women. And it is out of that love and compassion that I approach working with men, and it is out of that love and compassion that this book is written.
Recently, I bumped into an old friend in a health food store. I asked how she and her husband were doing, and we spent a few moments catching up on each other’s lives. “What are you working on these days?” she questioned. “A new book called What Women Want Men to Know,” I replied.
“Really? That’s fabulous!” she said excitedly. “I can’t wait to get it and give it to Donald. I mean, he’s a great guy, but, well, he’s still a man, right?”
A male customer happened to be standing next to us during this exchange, and when he heard my friend’s comments, he shot us a nasty look, as if to say, “You women just love putting men down.” As he walked by shaking his head, my girlfriend and I exchanged a smile, because we knew that his interpretation of what had occurred was totally incorrect – she hadn’t been putting her husband down at all. She adores her husband. Rather, she’d been describing a reality most women naturally understand – that even the best men are still MEN, not women, and for that reason alone, they can use a little help understanding the females in their lives.
The harsh truth is this: Just because men love us does not mean they can know us. They inhabit a very different world than we do, and as we will see throughout this book, our world often appears mysterious, confusing, and contradictory to them.
I think this is why often even the best-intentioned man who deeply loves his partner appears to simply not persist at trying to understand her. To put it bluntly, many men just give up, not because they don’t care, but because they feel they are certain to fail at gaining any glimmer of true cognition of our complex nature, and since men don’t like failing, they often opt for not trying at all.
I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to make it easier for men to try to succeed at understanding and loving us, to make them better boyfriends and better husbands, better companions and better lovers. And I wrote this book to make it easier for you to succeed at expressing your needs, explaining your nature, and sharing your heart with the man you love.
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK FOR YOURSELF
First and foremost, this book is for you as a woman to read. It wasn’t written just to help men understand you – it is an invitation for you to know and understand yourself more than you ever have before. After all, if you don’t quite understand why you feel the things you feel, do the things you do, and need the things you need, you will have a difficult time explaining these parts of your being to the men in your life. And if we are honest, we must confess that sometimes we wonder about ourselves as women: Are we “normal”? Is what we expect and hope for “too much”? Are our men right when they accuse us of being “too sensitive, too needy”? In truth, we don’t always know and fathom ourselves as deeply as we claim to, and this lack of knowledge results in the destructive habits of self-criticism, self-doubt, and low self-esteem.
What Women Want Men to Know will reveal to you and to the men who read it that there are intelligent, loving reasons behind all the things you do and feel. There is a reason we call a man five times until we get through; a reason we feel terrible when he shuts down when we try to find out what’s bothering him; a reason we love to plan time with our mate, and become anxious when he avoids committing to scheduling in advance. The reason is not that we are neurotic, or weak, or insecure. The reason, simply put, is that we are women, and what drives us and defines us is uniquely different from what drives and defines men. As you will see in the following chapters, our needs and behaviors as women only appear to be mysterious or confusing when we don’t understand our true nature.
This is one of my purposes in writing this book, so that as women we can understand ourselves more and judge ourselves less, so that we can honor and celebrate our unique capacity to feel deeply, to love with uninterrupted focus, and to cherish connection over separation. When you have this kind of confidence and deep comprehension of yourself as a woman, you will have a much better chance of being able to communicate your needs and emotions to the man in your life. Of course, this still isn’t a guarantee that you will always get the response you want, but at least you will have an advantage in that you will be able to give men something they appreciate and feel comfortable with when addressing a problem: a logical explanation.
Here’s what I mean: Imagine that you’re trying to communicate to your husband why you would like him to commit to planning more specific activities in advance with you and your children on the weekends, rather than always waiting until the last minute. You feel his resistance to this idea, his rebellion against feeling pinned down, and he responds by saying, “I don’t get what the big deal is about. Why do you always want to have things planned out all the time? Why can’t you be more spontaneous?”
Think for a moment – what would your answer be? Do you actually know why planning things in advance is so important to you, not just logistically but emotionally? Would you know how to express this to him? Much of the time, we aren’t sure why we want and need the things we do, and we reply to a man’s reluctance with vague statements like: “I can’t explain it,” or “Isn’t it enough that I tell you it’s important to me?” or, when we are really frustrated, “Just forget it – you obviously don’t care about how I feel.”
Believe it or not, your man is listening, but he is probably listening from his head, and not from his emotions. Your lack of what he considers a logical explanation leaves him to conclude, consciously or unconsciously, that there is no logical explanation for these needs of yours, that they are just another example of the way women get needy or whiney, and are never satisfied. Without information that can satisfy his brain, your partner may have a difficult time opening his heart to doing what it takes to make you happy. Instead, he will often dismiss your needs or requests as whimsical, irrational, and not deserving of serious attention.
Throughout this book, I’ve not only detailed what women want regarding love, intimacy, communication, and sex but WHY we want it, WHY it is important to us, WHY, because of who we are as women, certain kinds of behaviors from our male partners fulfill our most profound and essential needs. These explanations are just as important for you to understand as they are for men, and the information you’ll gain will make it much easier for you to successfully communicate with the person you love. So before you give this book to the man you love, please read and understand it for yourself!
HOW TO SHARE THIS BOOK WITH MEN
Earlier, I said that I wrote this book for you as a woman. And of course I also wrote it for men: any man who wants to be more successful at loving, pleasing, and living harmoniously with a woman. If you are presently in a relationship with a man and are reading these words right now, I must warn you about a temptation that will be difficult to resist – the temptation to thrust this book under his nose when he comes home tonight, or the next time you see him, and say: “Here … READ THIS! It explains everything I’ve been trying to tell you for years. Better yet, MEMORIZE IT!”
As enticing as this scenario might sound, it probably won’t be particularly effective in getting your loved one to want to read this book, and will only serve to alienate him further from the possibility. How do I know this? Men who’ve been the “victims” of my enthusiastic female fans and ended up cringing at the very sound of my name have confessed it to me, sometimes years later, when they finally recover from the trauma of hearing “Barbara says…” every five minutes!
I met such a man only a few weeks ago. I was waiting in line at a coffee store when I was approached by a friendly-looking guy in his thirties. “You’re Barbara De Angelis, aren’t you?” he asked. I told him I was, and he began to smile.
“I just had to come up to you,” he replied, “because I used to really hate you.” Noticing the look of distress on my face, he quickly continued. “I was in a relationship for two years with a woman who worshiped you. You were like her guru. She had ordered every tape and video you’ve made, she owned every book you ever wrote, and all I heard day and night was ‘Barbara said this’ and ‘Barbara thinks this about that,’ most of which, by the way, was that I was screwed up. Whenever we’d have an argument, I felt like I was in a fight with two people – my girlfriend and you! By the time we broke up, I was furious at you, and blamed you for all of my problems.
“I went through a year of disappointing dating experiences. Then, several months ago, a male friend of mine told me he’d just read a fantastic book about how to choose the right partner called Are You the One for Me? He read me a few passages on the phone one night, and everything he said made perfect sense and explained some of the mistakes I’d been making. ‘This sounds terrific,’ I told him. ‘Can I borrow the book?’ He agreed to lend it to me, and the next evening at the gym, he handed me a well-worn copy of Are You the One for Me? – with your picture on the cover! You can imagine my surprise when I found out this great book was written by the woman who had ruined my relationship with my girlfriend.
“Well, in spite of my prejudice, I did go home and read it. And of course I loved the book, and had to admit that my ex-girlfriend had been right – your stuff is great. I even called her up that week to tell her she wouldn’t believe whose book I was reading, and we had a really good conversation. So when I saw you here, I just had to come over and tell you that I don’t hate you anymore, and that actually, I think you’re wonderful!”
I gave this man a big hug, and thanked him for his delightful story. Would you be surprised if I told you that I’ve heard this same tale in different versions many times? It seems my readers, usually the female ones, sometimes use my books as intellectual weapons, and I become an unwitting ally in their attack on their partner’s behavior. Of course this approach never works, and I always feel regretful when I hear about it.
So here’s my request to you: If you are going to share this book with the man in your life, PLEASE SHARE IT LOVINGLY. Don’t shove it at him along with a sarcastic comment; don’t give it to him in the middle of an argument; don’t leave it on his pillow with a note attached that says: “You need this!” Come from a positive, instead of a negative, place, as if you’ve discovered a great treasure and want him to know about it, and he will be much more open to hearing what I have to say.
Here are some suggestions for getting your partner to read What Women Want Men to Know:
Ask him to read the “Message to Men” that follows this section. It sets the tone for the whole book, and will hopefully make him want to continue reading!
Give him a copy as a gift with a note that says: “Because I love you and always want to have a fabulous relationship and a great sex life…” For extra emphasis, include some lingerie with another note: “I can’t wait to wear this for you,” so he gets the idea that he will be rewarded for reading the book!
Read him small sections, particularly the ones marked For Men, and ask him what he thinks of the information. This will allow him to slowly become interested in the material.
Let him know you’re reading the book so you can do a better job of expressing yourself to him, and give him an example of what you’ve learned. Then he won’t feel you’re saying he is the only one who needs the book.
Arrange for one of your girlfriends to give him the book.
Read him hot tips from the sex section while you’re lying in bed, and then go back to reading. This will get him intrigued, and maybe even more…!
Leave the book in the bathroom with your favorite pages marked. Do not remove it for several weeks!
Perhaps you’re already thinking: “My partner will NEVER read this.” My response is: Don’t be so sure. I worked hard to make this book user-friendly for men, to explain things in ways that will make it easy for them to want to read more. Men know I like them, and often they can accept feedback and suggestions from me that they can’t from their own wife or girlfriend. My hope is that receiving this information about you from me will help the man you love finally hear what you’ve been trying to tell him for a long time. One thing is certain – any man who reads this book will know that my intention in writing it is to make his love life easier, less intense and dramatic, and more hassle-free. And no man can argue with those results!
How else can you share this book with men?
Give it to the boyfriends or husbands of your female friends – you know they need it, and your girlfriends will love you for it.
Send it to your former lover. Although your relationship with him is over, you will be doing a service to the next woman he is with. And if you are still interested in him, maybe it will reopen some doors.
Give it to your male friends who just can’t seem to make a relationship work. Their future partners will thank you one day!
Give it to your father. It’s not too late, and your mother will be grateful that you cared.
Give it to your son if he is old enough to appreciate it. Don’t you wish someone would have taught your mate this information when he was starting to date?
GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
The information in this book was compiled from a combination of sources. The majority comes from several decades of working with tens of thousands of women and hearing what they wish men knew about them. As in all of my books, I’ve also added my own experiences from relationships into the mix, along with those of my close friends and acquaintances. In addition, I include hundreds of responses from a questionnaire I distributed to women over the past year. (See the back of the book for a list of the questions.)
Still, with all of this input, the best I can do in these chapters is to generalize about the way women are. All of us are unique and different. And while many women will find the descriptions of how we think and feel, and why we do the things we do, accurate, others may, at times, read what I’ve written and say, “I’m not that way at all.” The truth is I know many men who have more of the “female” characteristics and motivations I describe (straight men as well as gay men), and on the flip side, I know many women who demonstrate more of what might traditionally be called “male” habits. I know men who are the ones in a relationship desperately needing attention and reassurance, and women who are shut down and hate talking about feelings.
The bottom line is that all things don’t apply to everyone. I am attempting to communicate what I’ve heard and learned over the years without being accurate to every subgroup. So the best way for you to read this book is to take what feels pertinent and valuable to you, and don’t worry about the rest. And of course What Women Want Men to Know isn’t everything women want men to know – to complete that task I would have to write volumes! I have tried to include the information I felt was most important and useful.
I hope this book will be everything you want it to be. I hope that after reading it you will love and honor yourself more and judge yourself less. I hope it will open the doors of clarity and communication between you and the man you love. I hope it will give you the words you need to say so that your partner can understand you from the inside out. I hope it will be a source of comfort, strength, and inspiration, reminding you that you are not alone on your journey. Most of all, I hope this book brings you many steps closer to creating the kind of loving, fulfilling, and passionate relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
A MESSAGE TO MEN
What if I told you that by doing a few simple things, you could get the woman you love to stop acting in some of the ways that drive you crazy? What if you knew some magic words to say that would work in seconds to make a woman feel like you were the most wonderful mate she could ever imagine? What if I taught you some secret techniques that would make your partner want to have more sex with you?
Do I have your attention yet, guys? Does any of this sound interesting? If so, you’ve come to the right place, and you’re reading the right book!
Let me alleviate any suspicions you may have and say from the start what this book is not:
It’s not a “chick book,” written just for women, that I hope your wife or girlfriend will somehow convince you to read.
It’s not a thinly disguised condemnation of men, explaining how it’s all your fault.
It’s not chapter after chapter of instructions to follow that will make you feel as if you have no power in your relationship and are just obeying orders.
It’s not a book designed to make you more like a woman, and less like a man.
I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to help you feel more successful, more powerful, and more in control of your love life. I wrote it so you could have more of the things you want in relationships, and less of the things you don’t want. It’s a book written specifically with you in mind, a book written to make your life easier.
I’ve spent the past twenty years working with tens of thousand of people, about half of them men. Men of all ages and from all backgrounds have opened up and shared with me what frustrates them in their relationships, what confuses them about women, and what they want in the areas of love and sex. I’ve been listening carefully, and here’s some of what I’ve heard men want:
You want to feel successful in your relationship, like you’re doing a good job and not messing it up.
You want less hassle, stress, and drama.
You want more peace, calm, and harmony.
You want frequent and passionate sex with your partner.
You don’t want to have to emotionally process all the time and feel as though you’re always “working on things.”
You want your mate to criticize you less and appreciate you more.
You want to feel like you’re making your woman happy.
This book is designed to help you achieve these goals. How? By understanding more about why women are the way they are, and learning some simple, practical ways you can communicate with us and relate to us that will make you and your partner happier and more satisfied in every way.
Now I have some really great news for you:
You know all of the stuff you hate about how women can get? Our neediness, our clingyness, our insecurities, the feeling you have that no matter how much you do or give, it’s never enough for us? I want you to know that so much of this is avoidable. Perhaps a woman has tried to explain: “If only you’d do x or y, it would make such a huge difference,” and you’ve thought to yourself, “Yeah, right.” But I’m here to tell you that this is the most important secret about women you will ever discover:
When you learn just a few simple things to do and say to the woman in your life, you’ll prevent her from having the very kinds of emotional reactions that you dislike.
Does this sound too good to be true? Well, it isn’t. I wrote What Women Want Men to Know to offer you the information you need, presented logically, clearly, and to the point, for creating the kind of relationship with a woman that is fun, enjoyable, satisfying, and much less work than you could ever imagine.
Are you convinced that this book is worth reading yet? I hope so!
THE MORE YOU KNOW, THE MORE POWERFUL AND SUCCESSFUL YOU ARE
Recently I gave a lecture to a large group and included some of the material you will be reading in this book. During the question-and-answer session, a man stood up and said defiantly, “I’m what you might call a macho sort of guy, and I’m having a hard time with this. It sounds like what you want is for me to basically think like a woman; act like a woman; in other words, to become a woman.”
“Why do you think I want you to become like a woman?” I asked him.
“Well, if I’m always trying to figure out what my wife wants, and remembering her three basic needs like you talked about, and do this and that little thing to make her happier, aren’t I becoming like a woman?”
“Let me ask you a question,” I replied. “Do you own a car?” The man nodded. “Is it a nice car that you’d like to keep for a while?”
“Yes,” he said proudly. “Actually it’s only a few months old.”
“Okay, so did you read the manual when you got the car?”
“Sure,” he said.
“And the manual taught you how to operate the car properly, what kind of gas to use in order to run the vehicle efficiently, what warning signs to look for that might indicate you’re having problems, when to get checkups so the car can last for a long time, how to service the car so it doesn’t break down, and stuff like this, right?”
“Right,” he answered.
“So,” I said to him with a mischievous smile, “by learning about your car and understanding how it works, were you becoming like your car? Do you feel more like a car since you read the manual? When the dealer who sold you the vehicle gave you the manual, did you become defensive and say, ‘Hey, do you want me to become like a car?’”
The audience laughed, and the man laughed along with them, because he couldn’t argue with my logic.
“See, your car is very valuable to you,” I explained. “It’s an investment, so you want to protect that investment and learn everything you can about making sure the car works perfectly. Now, I notice you’re sitting next to a woman who appears to be very happy with everything I’m saying, so I assume it’s your wife?”
“Yeah, she made me come tonight.” He grinned.
“Well, guess what? She’s your investment, and a more expensive one than the car, I might add! So why not learn all you can about her, how to keep her ‘running properly,’ so to speak, and then you’ll get the most out of your investment…and more enjoyable rides too!”
The audience applauded enthusiastically, and the man thanked me and sat down, kissing his wife, who was, I’m sure, thrilled that she had dragged him to my seminar.
I admit I like using car analogies with men, because they are effective in getting the point across – that learning more about that which is valuable to you is your way of protecting and taking care of what is yours. Educating yourself about what is important to you is a way to make yourself more powerful as a man, not less powerful.
In areas of your life other than your intimate relationships, you probably find it easier to be open to learning and improving yourself. For instance, you’d never be defensive or reluctant about reading the manual for your new car, or your new VCR, or your new cell phone. In the same way, if you had to make an important presentation for work to a new client, you’d want to learn everything you could about him and his company to ensure that you’d make a good impression – you’d never say to your boss: “I don’t need any help figuring out what to say. Stop telling me what to do all the time.” And if you’re a golfer, or if you play tennis, or participate in any other sport, you read and learn everything you can about how to master that sport – you’d never stubbornly insist that you didn’t need any help, that learning from other people would make you a wimp.
You know where I’m going with all of this, right? Your intimate relationship is your most important and valuable investment. The more you learn about women and about love, the better you’ll become as a husband or lover, and the more control you will have over your love life.
While flying to New York recently, I was seated next to a gentleman of Asian-American descent who is a consultant to large corporations and business executives on understanding and operating successfully within the Asian culture. He is considered an expert in his field, and companies pay him a lot of money to train their staffs in how to relate to their business counterparts in Japan, China, Singapore, and other Pacific Rim countries. This man told me fascinating stories about companies that tried to take their businesses overseas without educating themselves about the cultural differences, and ran into problem after problem. “It’s amazing,” he explained to me, “how comprehending the differences between cultures, and learning just a few simple tips for effective communication and behavior, can be the key to billions of dollars of profit, and the difference between success and failure.”
As I listened to this very intelligent man, I couldn’t help but think about the work I do, and when he was finished with his story, I said, “Well, it seems that we’re in the same profession.”
“Really?” he replied. “Are you a cross-cultural consultant too?”
“In a way,” I responded with a smile. “I teach men and women how to understand each other.”
The man laughed and said: “Then I have no doubt your job is harder than mine!”
Just as, until they undergo the proper education, this man’s clients can’t be expected to understand their business associates from a totally different culture, so too you can’t be expected to understand women just because you love us! Why? Because as you already know too well, men and women are very different. Besides, the truth is that as women, we don’t always understand ourselves, and if we can’t figure out why we are the way we are, how in the world can we expect you to understand us? As you’ll see when you read What Women Want Men to Know, it wasn’t just written for men in order to help you understand women – it was written to help us as women understand ourselves, so we can communicate more precisely and more effectively with you about what we want and need in ways you can actually hear us.
WHY THIS BOOK HAS FOUND ITS WAY TO YOU
If you are reading these words right now, chances are that this book was given to you by a woman who loves you. Perhaps it was your wife, your lover, a close friend, your ex-girlfriend, your sister-in-law, but definitely someone who wants you to be happy and successful in your relationships.
If your partner gave you this book:
She isn’t saying that you are the problem.
She isn’t saying she is upset with you.
She isn’t saying that you aren’t doing it right.
She isn’t complaining or making you feel wrong.
She isn’t implying that she’s perfect and you’re the one who’s messed up.
She isn’t insinuating that it’s all your fault.
She isn’t alleging that you’re stupid and can’t figure this stuff out for yourself.
If your wife or girlfriend gave you this book, she is simply saying that she loves you. She wants things to be better, she wants your relationship to last, she wants to make you happy, and she feels you might get some information from this book that will help you act in ways that will allow her to be more of what you want her to be! Be happy that someone cares about you this much and is reaching out rather than shutting down.
If someone other than your partner gave you this book, know that she, or he, is a true friend who wants the best for you.
If you found your own way to this book, it is because you love women and want to make your relationships with them easier, full of more joy and less stress. I applaud you for being a man of vision. If you are already involved with someone, she is lucky indeed to have a man who cares enough to want to become a better partner and lover. And if you haven’t found your true love yet, believe me, she is going to be happy and grateful when she meets you.
Perhaps at this point in your reading, despite how much sense all of this is (hopefully!) making, you hear a familiar, rebellious voice in your head that says:
“Jeez, another of my wife’s books. She’s always trying to ‘fix’ me, like I’m screwed up or something. I’m sure it’s going to tell me that all the problems in our relationship are my fault, that I need to change. I don’t need this! Why should I listen to some other woman I don’t even know telling me what to do? What a waste of time.”
Here’s my response:
This book is going to make you feel smarter and more competent, not stupid and incompetent.
It’s going to make you feel less out of control, and more in control.
It’s going to give you more power over your life, not ask you to give up your power.
And the small amount of time you spend reading it will be nothing compared to the amount of time you will save because you will be having less arguments, less hassles, and less unhappy moments.
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ME
Here are some things I’d like you to know about me:
First of all, I love men. I have loved them all my life. If I didn’t, I’d have written a book titled Men: Who Needs Them? or It’s All His Damn Fault, rather than What Women Want Men to Know! Instead, I wrote this book because I realize that although men continue to make sincere efforts to figure us out, it’s not always a simple matter for you to understand the woman in your life. And perhaps it will be easier to hear about what women want and need regarding love, sex, and intimacy from me, a woman you don’t know but one who has talked to thousands of other women, rather than hearing it from your own partner.
So think of me as a translator, a mediator of sorts in a peace process, sitting across the table from you and saying, “Look, if you want to get such and such results in your relationship with your wife, I suggest you try doing this, because I can guarantee she will not only love it, but will complain less,” or “I know her request for such and such seems silly, and you can’t imagine that something so trivial will make a difference, but trust me – I’ve talked to her – and it will,” or “If you want to avoid turning her into an emotional wreck, I propose you work on eliminating this certain phrase from your vocabulary, because whenever she hears it, she’s going to overreact and you won’t like the outcome.” Do I believe the information I’m going to share with you in the following chapters can make an enormous difference in your love life? You bet I do. Give it a chance, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Second, this book is written by me, a woman, about what women want men to know. Isn’t that the way it should be? If you’re going to learn about what women want you to know in the areas of communication, intimacy, love, and sex, shouldn’t your guide be a woman? What good is it hearing what some other man thinks about what women want? Naturally I am biased, but I do believe that this book contains information you’d never learn if it was written by a man. Women have confided in me, and told me things about themselves, about their needs, and about sex that I am sure they would never have revealed to a man. I think you will be intrigued by what they have to say.
Third, if you’re thinking, “Why did you just write about what men are supposed to learn and do differently? It seems so one-sided. What about women? Shouldn’t they be trying to understand our needs, and make us happy too?” Well, I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s why several years ago, I wrote Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. It taught women all about men’s likes and dislikes regarding love, sex, communication, and suggested ways women could adjust their behavior in and out of the bedroom to improve their relationships with their husband or boyfriend. Millions of women read Secrets, and when they shared it with their partners, the men concluded that I was, indeed, their ally. So each time you read something in the following chapters that makes you want to say, “But what about what SHE does wrong?,” just remember – it’s all in the other book!
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
It was a challenge to write this book so that both women and men could feel I was talking directly to them. There are sections in which I am explaining certain things to women about themselves, and hoping that you’re reading this information as well. Then you will notice specific places where I make a point just for men. The best way to read the book is from start to finish, knowing that everything I’ve included in What Women Want Men to Know is designed to make you a lot smarter about women, love, and sex.
If you haven’t done so already, please go back and read the “Message to Women” at the beginning of the book. It’s just as much a message to you as it is to women, and you will find it helps to set up the rest of the chapters.
As I remind women in their Message, every female is unique and different, and so at best, all of what you read will be generalizations. This is where you come in: If you’re in a relationship, I strongly suggest that you discuss the material in this book with your partner:
Ask her if a particular point accurately describes her feelings.
Invite her to comment on what I say or what other women expressed.
Let her know what specific suggestions you’d be willing to try, and ask if these would make a difference to her.
Having these kinds of discussions will give you much valuable information about your wife or girlfriend. You’ll also find these conversations effortless and stress-free, compared with ones you’ve had in the past, because you will both be able to start your dialogue from the common ground of this book, rather than just your own opinions, and thus it will feel less adversarial and more like you’re both on the same side. Best of all, your partner will LOVE it that you are showing interest in her feelings, wanting her input, and that you care enough to ask.
I need to take a moment and say what this book is not about. It’s not about deeply wounded women with severe emotional problems who have shut down their feelings, suppressed their needs, and cut themselves off from their hearts. If you are presently or have been with a woman like this, you may find that nothing I say about how women behave applies to her. That’s because in order to defend herself from further pain, she’s built walls of protection around herself, and detached from her ability to feel. Men who make a habit of choosing emotionally unavailable women will be unable to relate to much of this book, and if you suspect you might be in that category, consider reading Are You the One for Me?, which will help you understand more about the patterns that prompt you to end up in unhealthy relationships.
I have a confession to make: I wrote this book secretly hoping my own partner would memorize every page, drink in each word, and digest every bit of information about me as a woman. I hoped he would enthusiastically try out every suggestion and explore each technique, intent on doing all he could to become the man of my dreams. If your wife or girlfriend gave you What Women Want Men to Know, guess what – she’s secretly hoping the same thing that I am!
Of course, what I am describing is how a woman would read a similar book, how a woman would approach pleasing a man, how a woman views improving herself, how a woman views love. Did you know that we are that way – focused on loving you twenty-four hours a day? Well, you’ll learn about it in the chapters that follow.
So how will you read this book as a man? What will you do with what you discover in these pages? Only you have the answers to these questions.
But I’ll confess another secret: If my sweetheart only takes a few important things from this book, it will be enough. I will be grateful that he was interested enough to spend the time to read about me, that he was committed enough to try to understand the tenderness of my heart, that he cared enough to consider ways in which he could make me feel more safe, more valued, more loved.
Your woman feels the same way. If, by reading what I offer here, you learn to appreciate her a little more fully, listen a little more closely, and love her a little more sweetly, she will be happy – and it will be enough.
Thanks for trusting me to take you on this journey into the heart and soul of a woman. I promise you it will be worth it.…
PART 1 WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW ABOUT US
I begin this book with an admission to men on behalf of the women you love and the women who love you:
We want men to understand us, to truly grasp why we are the way we are and why we need the things we do.
And we feel frustrated and upset when it appears that you don’t understand us.
But the truth is – and here’s the admission – we do not always fully understand ourselves, either.
Why is it, for instance, that at one moment a woman can seem to be so strong and competent, and the next so fragile and insecure?
What is it about us that makes us feel like a powerful goddess when we are at our best, and like a helpless little girl at our worst?
Why can we be the most enthusiastic cheerleader, the most stalwart supporter, the most loyal protector, the most wise adviser to everyone else – but not always to ourselves?
What does it mean that we can do a million things at once and seem to be handling it all effortlessly until suddenly, in one moment, we collapse under the weight of too much responsibility and just want to crawl under the covers?
Where does our ability to love so deeply come from?
Why is it that we so easily sacrifice our own needs in order to fulfill those of others?
Why do we seem to require more time, attention, and reassurance from men than they require from us?
Why are we the way we are?
We know men ask themselves these questions about us. And whether we readily admit it or not, we have the same questions about ourselves. The good news is that there are answers, reasons that, as women, we feel what we feel, and do what do. These answers are contained in the pages that follow, and are meant to enlighten women as well as men, as they shed light on the mystery of our nature, of our mind and our heart, of our desires and our longings.
Allow me, for a moment, to take you into the heart of a woman, and, through the following stories, reveal our own struggle to understand ourselves:
You know the man you love is going through a hard time in his life, contemplating making some difficult business decisions. Lately, he’s been anxious and distracted, and you want so badly to help in some way. One night after dinner you bring up the subject of his dilemma, sharing some thoughts you’ve had about the challenges he faces, suggesting steps he could take to resolve his problem. As you begin to talk to him, a tense look appears on his face, and with each new idea you present his frown gets worse and worse. Suddenly, you feel him pull away, as if you’ve just been shut out entirely.
“What’s wrong, honey?” you ask with concern.
“I just want to handle this situation myself,” he replies curtly “I don’t need your advice.”
“But I’m only trying to help,” you explain.
“Why don’t you let me figure it out my own way? Don’t you trust me?” he answers, obviously angry. “I hate when you get bossy and controlling like this.” And he leaves the room.
You stand there watching your husband walk away, your heart pounding and tears filling your eyes. You want to run after him, but you can’t find the right words to explain how you feel, how all you wanted to do was to support him. Instead, your efforts have made things even worse. You feel like such a failure. And a part of you wonders: “Is he right? Am I controlling like he says?”
A long weekend is coming up, and you want to spend it with your boyfriend. You had hoped he would mention it by now, but he hasn’t, and you are starting to worry. One night while talking with him on the phone, you bring up the subject: “Have you thought about the holiday weekend?”
“Not really,” he responds.
“Well,” you continue tentatively, “I was hoping we could be together, maybe even go away somewhere.”
Your boyfriend becomes very quiet, and after a few moments says in a flat voice: “Let’s see how the week goes.”
How the week goes? What does he mean by that, you think to yourself. You begin to feel a little panicky. “Don’t you want to spend time with me?” you ask him in a shaky voice.
“Of course I do,” he replies with growing irritation, “but why do we have to plan everything? Can’t you be more spontaneous? You’re so insecure all the time!”
You don’t know how to answer him. You just know that you’d feel so much better if you were sure you could look forward to seeing him that weekend, but you’ve already told him that, and there doesn’t seem to be anything else to say. The conversation ends, and as you get off the phone, you have an ache in your chest that won’t go away. You wonder: “Is he right? Am I too insecure?”
Your husband has left on a business trip. When he arrives at the airport in his destination city, he calls briefly to check in and let you know he is going out for dinner with a client. That night as it’s time for bed you lie there waiting for the phone to ring. You try his hotel room a few times, but get no answer. You leave several messages, and you wait, and you wait, but he doesn’t call. By now, it’s two in the morning, and you’re terribly anxious and worried. Where could he be, and why hasn’t he called? What could keep him from wanting to say good night to you? You finally fall into an uneasy sleep.
The next morning, you get up feeling hopeful, expecting to hear from your husband, but still, nothing. You try to make excuses for him, but you’re having a hard time convincing yourself: “If he was really tired last night, he could at least have called this morning.” As the hours go by with no word from him, your worry turns to paranoia, and your mind proceeds to parade its worst fears before you. “Maybe something is really wrong,” you imagine. “Maybe he got sick; or maybe he’s deliberately avoiding me.” And then the worst fear of all: Could he be there with another woman?
Finally, that evening, your husband calls, and to your great surprise, acts as though everything is fine. “Why didn’t you call me last night or this morning?” you ask in an anxious voice. “I was so worried!”
“I had just talked to you when I arrived, and after dinner I was exhausted and just collapsed into bed,” he answers, his voice expressing bewilderment that you are upset at all. “And this morning I was focused on getting ready for my meeting. Then I went from one event to another. I figured we would talk sometime today.”
You try to explain why you were so agitated at not hearing from him, but it doesn’t come out right, and you’re afraid you sound too desperate and clingy. Your husband listens, and you know by his response that he is annoyed. “Do I have to check in with you every five minutes?” he says sharply “Why do you fall apart just because I don’t call you for twenty-four hours?”
The conversation ends on a bad note, and when you hang up the phone, you feel awful. All you had wanted to do was let him know how much you missed him. Why couldn’t he understand how worried you’d been? Was it that unreasonable for you to have been concerned when he didn’t call or answer his phone? Or could it be that he was right: “Is something wrong with me?” you wonder. “Am I really too needy?”
Most women reading these stories will resonate with the experiences and emotions described because, whether to a lesser or greater extent, we’ve all had these feelings at one time or another. We wonder if our reactions to our partner are justified or if they are overreactions. We question whether our needs are legitimate or excessive. “Am I normal?” we ask ourselves.
As for men, well, I suspect that many of you reading these stories will probably have a very different response, something like: “Here are three perfect examples of the way women overreact and drive men nuts!” And you’re right – these scenarios are typical of the kinds of things women do and feel that men simply don’t understand, and therefore, often categorize as undesirable female behavior.
It is easy to condemn something when we don’t understand it. When not seen with eyes of wisdom and deep comprehension, a woman’s unique and beautiful characteristics can appear as something else not so beautiful to men, and even to ourselves. But when you learn the inner secrets of a woman’s nature, suddenly what appeared to be confusing becomes clear, what seemed unacceptable becomes appreciated, what was challenging becomes endearing.
When I prepared to write this section of the book, my goal was simple. I was looking for a few basic truths about who women are that would help us and the men we love understand our feelings and our behavior. In my research I asked women:
“What are the things you want the man you love to understand about you as a woman at the deepest level of your being?”
“What do you need to explain to your partner about your female nature that is very basic to you, yet, you suspect, so different from the way he experiences the world as a man?”
In the chapters that follow, I’ve done my best to summarize these basics about who women are, why we are that way, and what we want men to know about loving us. The first few chapters focus on three characteristics, the ones I believe are essential to understand in order to truly understand women. So much of why women do what we do, feel what we feel, and say what we say has its source in these truths. They are:
THE THREE BASIC TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN
1. Women put love first.
2. Women are creators.
3. Women have a sacred relationship with time.
Chapters 4, 5, and 6 present the three secret needs every woman has as a once-and-for-all response to men’s question: “Is there really something I can do that will make her stop complaining and be happy?” (Yes, there is!) And finally, Chapter 7 details “Seven Myths Men Believe About Women and Why They Are Absolutely Wrong”!
1 WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST
A few months ago, a male friend I hadn’t heard from in a while called to tell me he was in a new relationship with a woman he’d been seeing for six months. Brian had dated a lot in his life but had never really been seriously involved with anyone, so this was big news. I asked him how it was going, and he answered that things were great, but he had some concerns about his girlfriend.
“What kind of concerns?” I asked him.
“Well, Lori is really terrific, very sweet and affectionate,” he began, “but I’m worried that something’s wrong with her, like maybe she has psychological problems. That’s why I am calling you – to get your feedback.”
“Tell me what she does that makes you think she has psychological problems,” I prompted him.
“To begin with, she says she thinks about me all the time; she calls me during the day just to tell me she misses me; she plans special things for us to do weeks in advance; and she always wants to talk about us and how well we get along. Then last week,” he continued in a very serious voice, “she told me that our relationship is the most important thing in her life!”
“And what do you conclude from all of this?” I asked him, trying to hide the fact that I was smiling on the other end of the phone.
“Well, if she’s so focused on me like that, I think she obviously must be neurotic and insecure.”
“No, dear,” I said to my friend with a chuckle, “she must be a woman in love.”
My friend Brian is a good guy – but he’s a guy. He didn’t have a lot of experience being in long-term relationships, and the way Lori was loving him seemed strange to him, even unhealthy, because he didn’t understand the first secret about who women are: The world of women is a world of love. To love, to be devoted, to cherish intimate relationships is our nature.
What Women Want Men to Know: Women put love first.
When I say women put love first, I don’t mean women choose to make love and relationships a priority – these things just are a priority in our awareness. We don’t choose to have our heart focused on the man we love – it just is. We don’t choose to always be thinking of ways to connect with you – we just do. We don’t decide to put love first – it just is first.
THE LOVE PIE
Here’s an easy and visual way to understand the way women feel about love and relationships. I call it the “Love Pie.”
Visualize two circles, like pies, one representing a man’s consciousness and the other representing a woman’s consciousness. Now imagine a tiny slice cut out in each circle, like a piece of the pie, perhaps one-tenth of the whole. In the man’s circle, that small slice is the percentage of his awareness that he focuses on love and intimate relationships. Everything outside of that slice, the other nine-tenths of the circle, is his awareness focused on his work, his hobbies, his projects, and other activities.
In the woman’s circle, however, it is exactly the opposite: The tiny slice of the pie is the focus of her awareness on work, hobbies, projects, and all the rest of the pie is the focus of her awareness on love, family life, and relationships!
Okay, this is probably somewhat of an exaggeration, but you get my point. Whenever I draw the Love Pie for my seminar audiences, it evokes peals of laughter from both sexes. Why? Because instinctively, we all know it’s true, and as we’ll see, it explains so many of the issues that become problems between the men and women.
Here’s an important distinction to remember: The Love Pie doesn’t symbolize how we divide our time, or how many hours we spend on love versus other activities. It depicts where our awareness is focused on the inside, no matter what we are doing on the outside. For instance, a woman may work in her own career, whether outside or inside the home, for as many hours as her husband does in his, so it’s not like she’s spending one-tenth of the time he does focusing on work, and nine-tenths of her time shopping for lingerie, writing love poems, or fantasizing about how much she adores him. But you can bet that while she is doing her job, she probably thinks more about him than he does about her, and from day to day she is more conscious of the emotional rhythms of the relationship, and more focused on wanting more connection and intimacy.
Sometimes when I share the Love Pie analogy with women, they don’t completely relate to it until I remind them that focusing on love includes focusing on their children. Single mothers can understand this: Perhaps they aren’t in an intimate relationship, but their awareness is still on love the majority of the time – the love and concern they have for their children. Even women who are married often feel the large portion of their Love Pie is more dedicated to their everyday relationship with their kids than to the relationship with their husband. Whether this is healthy or not is a whole other topic, but the point is the same: She is a woman whose awareness, thoughts, and feelings are naturally focused on putting love first.
TAKING A TRIP INTO THE MIND OF A WOMAN
I’ve always said that if men spent a day in the mind of a woman in love, they’d be shocked and amazed at how much we think about them, how aware we are of them no matter what else we are doing. There’s an exercise I sometimes give couples to help the man understand how women put love first, and to give him an experience of our Love Pie: I ask the female partner to keep a “Thought Diary” throughout a typical day, writing down each time her awareness focuses on her mate and describing the situation. Then, she shows him her list. Without exception in the couples I’ve worked with, the male partner is astonished at how often during a day the female partner thinks about him.
I wanted to give you male readers a chance to experience this, so here’s a sample from one woman’s list that she kept in relation to her boyfriend, Joseph. Melissa is an executive at a radio station and has been involved with Joseph for almost a year. I’ve actually only included half of a day’s diary – a full day would go on for pages!
Melissa’s Thought Diary
| 6:45 AM | I wake up thinking about Joseph, excited that I am going to see him tonight. I lie in bed fantasizing about it for a while. |
| 7:00 AM | I want to call Joseph to say good morning, but I tell myself I should wait to see if he calls me. |
| 7:10 AM | I can’t decide whether or not to wash my hair now, or wait until just before my date so it’s really clean when I see Joseph. |
| 7:15 AM | I decide to wait to wash my hair, but while in the shower I remind myself that I need to put out the new body lotion Joseph said he likes so I’ll remember to use it after my shower this evening. |
| 7:40 AM | I am eating breakfast, remembering how sweet it was last weekend when Joseph stayed over and we had breakfast together. |
| 7:50 AM | I’m watching TV and there’s a report on the news about Caribbean hideaways. Joseph and I have been talking about taking a trip there soon, and I write down the information the reporter mentions. |
| 7:55 AM | Still no call from Joseph. I am wondering whether or not I should call him and mention the TV travel report. I decide to wait another ten minutes. |
| 8:05 AM | I call Joseph and we talk for a few minutes. He is racing around getting ready for an important meeting at work, so he can’t really concentrate, but he says he can’t wait to see me later, so I am happy |
| 8:20 AM | While I am putting on my makeup, I think about the conversation I just had with Joseph, and replay the sweet things he said. |
| 8:35 AM | I am in my closet, deciding what to wear for work, and start thinking about which outfit I should wear tonight when I see Joseph. I bought a new top a few days ago that I think he will like, and I try it on just to verify that I am still pleased with it. |
| 8:50 AM | I am making the bed, and decide that I will change the sheets later before Joseph gets here. Of course, I am hoping he will spend the night. |
| 9:20 AM | I am driving to work, listening to the radio. A song by Carlos Santana comes on that Joseph and I love, and it reminds me of a road trip we took to San Diego when we played the Santana album the whole way. I smile thinking about what a great time we had. I am tempted to call Joseph on his cell phone and tell him I am remembering San Diego, but I know he is probably on his way to a meeting and focusing on what he needs to accomplish. |
| 10:45 AM | I am looking at Joseph’s picture on my desk, and decide that I want to get a nicer frame for it. |
| 11:30 AM | I notice the time, and wonder if Joseph’s meeting is over and how it went. I am hoping he’s happy with it, so that he’ll be in a good mood tonight. |
| 11:50 AM | Joseph calls for a second on his way back from the meeting. He sounds pleased. I tell him about hearing the Santana song this morning. |
| 11:57 AM | I notice that I’ve been a little agitated since Joseph called, and I realize I am feeling concerned about something he said on the phone regarding his needing to go out of town next week. |
| 12:30 PM | I am at a lunch meeting with a new client at a restaurant I’ve never been to before, and I’m thinking that Joseph would really like it, and that we should come here some time. |
| 2:10 PM | I pass a grocery store, and remember that I am out of Joseph’s favorite soap. I decide to stop and pick up the soap, and once inside, I walk through the produce section and notice that they have beautiful raspberries which Joseph would love, and buy some. |
| 2:35 PM | I check my messages back at the office, and even though I just talked with Joseph a few hours ago, I feel a tiny bit of disappointment that there’s no message from him. I know this is silly, but it’s how I feel. |
| 2:55 PM | I open my mail, and discover an invitation to a party celebrating a well-known writer who is doing a benefit lecture in town next month. I make a mental note to myself to ask Joseph if he will be able to come with me. |
| 3:15 PM | I glance at the time on my computer clock, and feel a twinge of excitement that I will see Joseph in less than four hours. |
So what’s your response to Melissa’s Thought Diary? When I show this list to women, they read it and say, “Oh my gosh, that’s exactly what I do!” Perhaps the content is varied for married women or women with children, but the frequency of thought is very similar. Men, on the other hand, have a very different reaction to this list. Some think I’m playing a joke on them, that a list like this can’t be genuine. Others make comments like: “This Melissa seems pretty neurotic,” or “Sounds like she needs to get a life!” Little do these men realize that their own girlfriends or wives probably think about them as much as Melissa thinks about her boyfriend, Joseph.
For Melissa, as for many women, love is a constant theme in her awareness. It’s the biggest piece of the pie of her consciousness. That doesn’t mean she isn’t focused on her job, or on other areas of her life – actually, she has a very busy schedule and a demanding career. It just means that when she is in an intimate relationship, she sees the world through the lens of love. It’s as if she is wearing a special pair of glasses whose prescription is her love for Joseph, and her experience of life is perceived through those love glasses. A news story on TV isn’t just a news story – it becomes something she can share with her sweetheart. A song on the radio isn’t just a song – it evokes memories and special emotions that remind her of her man. Raspberries aren’t just raspberries – they are the fruit that her partner loves.
Men: Please know that this process is so natural to a woman, so much a part of her nature, that she isn’t even aware that it’s going on. In fact, when Melissa read her own Thought Diary, she herself was surprised at how often she was thinking about Joseph. Normally, these thoughts about him just float in and out of her awareness. They’re just a part of how she is when she’s involved in a relationship, a reflection of how, like so many women, she puts love first.
Pulsuz fraqment bitdi.
