Kitabı oxu: «I Choose from Wholeness Without Losing Myself in Relationships. An Original Motivational Method by Uliana Sunny»

An Original Motivational Method by Uliana Sunny
“I Choose from Wholeness Without Losing Myself in Relationships”

In a Dream

Inspired by my recent dream, I am beginning to write my second method: “Choosing from Wholeness Without Losing Yourself in Relationships.”

So, first I will tell you my dream, and then the theory and practice of the method.

The dream:

In my dream, I went to see a female psychic. I sat across from her and began to tell the story of my past life: A difficult childhood. Betrayals. Losses. Blows.

As I spoke, I couldn’t hold back my tears and began to cry. Not just cry. Sob. Sobbing, I kept telling her about everything I had struggled to endure over all those past years. As though the pain I had carried inside for so long was pouring out of me.

The psychic said nothing to me the whole time. She stayed silent. And then she simply hugged me.

When I woke up, I analyzed the meaning of my dream. To me, it was more than clear. I want to share it with you, too.

So, I was telling her my story and sobbing. It was like accumulated pain that I often keep under control in everyday life. There have been many difficult periods in my life: moving, illnesses of loved ones, losses, complicated relationships, the constant need to be strong. Sometimes a person gets so used to coping that she doesn’t give herself permission to simply mourn what she has been through. The dream allowed me to do this in its own world.

I also want to note that in the dream, I understood that she wouldn’t say anything I would genuinely believe. I didn’t need any explanations. Because I no longer needed answers. This means that deep inside, I am no longer waiting for a saving answer from the outside. Not from a psychic, not from a psychologist, not from a man, not from any system of knowledge. Some part of me already knows: no one can explain my life better than I can myself. And her embrace was truly the main thing in my dream for me. Not advice, not a prediction of the future. As if the psyche were saying: “Right now, what I need is not an explanation of what happened to me. What I need is an acknowledgment of what I went through.”

It was a dream about the close of an internal chapter in my life. I realize this. Sometimes, after a long period of struggle, a person doesn’t want to hear yet another answer, but just wants someone to simply say: “Yes. That was hard. I see how much you had to endure.”

When I sobbed, I clearly understood that the tears in the dream were not from pain, but from recognizing the scale of what I had managed to survive.

Importantly, I received the acceptance and self-compassion that were vital to me and that I had perhaps been missing. And after waking, a feeling of relief and happiness remained. As if some part of my soul had finally acknowledged the whole path that had been traveled: “Yes, all of that happened. Yes, it hurt. But I went through it. And now I am no longer there.”

Often, such dreams come when a person truly begins to feel the distance between her past and current life. The past is still remembered, but it no longer defines the present.

Why am I writing this? When I woke up, I felt no sadness or fear. I felt no regret. I felt freedom. At that moment, I understood what I had been moving toward for many years:

We often look outside for answers. We look for a person who will explain to us how to live properly, whom to love, what to choose, and how to stop suffering. But one day a moment comes when it becomes clear: no one knows us better than we know ourselves.

No one can live our life for us. No one can choose for us. That is precisely when mature freedom begins. My life was not ideal. I loved and made mistakes. I lost myself in relationships. Like many women, I spent a long time believing that happiness would arrive with the right man, the right circumstances, or the right answer. But over time, I saw a different pattern. The problem is rarely a lack of love. The problem begins when, for the sake of love, a woman begins to lose herself. When a relationship becomes more important than inner footing. When fear is stronger than choice. When the desire to hold onto a person turns out to be stronger than self-respect.

I came to this after many years. That is precisely why this method was born. I call it simply: “I choose from a state of wholeness, without losing myself.”

Through this method, I want as many whole women as possible to be able to remain in this state and never lose themselves.

For me, wholeness is a state in which a woman remembers who she is, whether there is a man beside her or not. She does not choose out of fear, loneliness, or because she was not chosen. She chooses because she can choose. Out of respect and love for herself. Out of inner footing and an understanding of her own values. Out of the ability to be happy not only in a relationship, but also alone with herself.

The paradox is that this is the very kind of woman who becomes truly attractive. Because she is not asking another person to fill the void inside. She comes into a relationship already whole. And then the relationship ceases to be a way of surviving. It becomes a space of choice.

This method is not about how to keep a man at any cost. The method is about how to preserve yourself at any cost. Because a woman who does not lose herself never loses the most important thing—Herself.

The Nature of the Method

Women who have walked the path to themselves know what the inner voice sounds like, know how to rely on themselves, and no longer seek confirmation of their worth in the external world. They face a new, more subtle question: how to let a man into their whole life without destroying it?

This method is not about how to “get” a man or “keep” him. It is about how to choose from your own fullness, how not to lose yourself at the beginning of a relationship, and how to build a union of two adults where love becomes a continuation of your wholeness, not an attempt to replenish it.

My method is a path of returning to yourself, created at the intersection of three powerful forces: my life experience (living through rock bottom and rebirth), logic (a mathematical mindset structuring chaos), and spiritual wisdom (working with energy, intuition).

This method is based on the key principle of my second book, *Already Whole: How to Start a Relationship with a Man and Not Lose Yourself*:

Consciously choose what truly resonates with your inner world!

Who the method is for:

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You are ready for a relationship, but you are afraid of dissolving again.

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You want to learn to tell attraction from love, charisma from maturity.

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You are ready to choose not out of fear of loneliness, but out of inner agreement.

The goal of the method:

To learn to enter relationships consciously, preserving yourself, and to leave them if they cease to be a space for growth.

My Theory

In this original motivational method, “Choosing from Wholeness Without Losing Yourself in Relationships,” I want to talk with you about the following.

This method is a continuation of the previous one. If in the first method we walked the path from questions of survival and suffering to questions of choice, now we are moving to a completely different level.

Back then, we learned to stop living in pain and to take responsibility for our lives. We learned to choose ourselves and to stop suffering. We learned to make decisions. It was this path that was supposed to lead you to a state of inner wholeness.

If you walked this path honestly and truly worked on yourself, then now you are no longer in a state of inner destruction. You no longer live out of fear. You don’t cling to people just because you are afraid of loneliness. You don’t try to fill the inner void with relationships.

You are already whole. And it is for such a woman that this method is written.

This method is not about how to find a man at any cost and how to appeal to a man. Not about how to make a man fall in love. And not even about how to get married. No.

This method is about something entirely different. It is about how to let a man into your life and yet not lose yourself. Because so many women make the exact same mistake. They work on themselves for a long time, learn to love themselves, become confident. They become happy. But as soon as a man appears in their life, they begin living his life all over again. They forget their own goals and desires. They accommodate and start putting up with things. Afraid of losing the relationship, of saying too much. Afraid to be themselves, and gradually, they lose themselves once more.

In the end, it turns out that while the woman seemed to have arrived at wholeness, the relationship once again destroyed everything she had spent so long building.

That is precisely why I want to help you learn to maintain your inner state whether there is a man beside you or not. Because real love should not destroy your personality. A relationship should not rob you of your freedom. And a man should not become the meaning of your life. He should become a beautiful, cherished part of it. But only a part. Not your entire life.

It is vital to understand one simple thing. Wholeness is not a finish line. It is not a state you can reach once and never think about again. Many women make this mistake over and over.

They think (in the worst sense of the word):

“Well, that’s it. Now I’m whole. Now I can relax.”

No. When you believe you have walked the path and are finally ready, a subtle test arises.

Do you still hear that noise of other people’s expectations, or does exclusively your own voice sound in the silence? As soon as a man enters your field, old memory can quietly push you toward the familiar trap: giving away pieces of your soul for a drop of warmth. The cognitive distortion of hope begins to work. You see the red flags, you feel in your body that something is wrong, but you whisper to yourself: “He’s just tired; I need to be softer, wiser, more patient.”

In reality, adulthood and wholeness are not the capacity to put up with anything and everything. True maturity has nothing to do with self-sacrifice. It is not about enduring any blow for the sake of an illusion of closeness. It is about the ability to choose yourself, even if for a moment it turns terrifying to the point of trembling. After all, you have come such a long way to get here.

Dissolving into the space of a partnership always begins unnoticed. First, you easily adjust your habits, then you give up your personal plans, and before you know it, your own “I” is completely blurred into a shared “WE.” And then comes the moment when a sticky anxiety awakens inside, along with a quiet question: “Who even am I without him?” At this point, an unfair imbalance of responsibility arises. You read books, endlessly work on your mindset, try to establish communication and “build a union,” while the person across from you simply lives his life—uninvolved, unengaged, not reflecting your efforts. But you are already whole. Your emotional depth is your strength and your anchor. Knowing how to say a firm “no” and set personal boundaries is the only true way to preserve the health of any relationship.

A true union is not a merger into a single faceless mass, but the meeting of two adults who safeguard their uniqueness and look in the same direction. A man should not enter your days to plug a hole or rescue you from loneliness, because there is no longer any void inside you. He comes to share your fullness, light, and depth with you. Your worth is unconditional and requires no external proof; it does not depend on whether someone is beside you. Life has given you a map: structures, logic, and deep spiritual wisdom are united here so that you do not merely read these words, but live them with every inch of your body, reclaiming your fundamental right: to stop suffering and begin consciously choosing.

You are holding in your hands a method that will guide you step by step from a state of wholeness to a space of choice, true freedom, and deep inner alignment, without losing yourself.

Wholeness requires constant care. Just like the body. If you went to the gym today, that doesn’t mean you can now neglect yourself for ten years. If you ate well today, that doesn’t mean that tomorrow you can completely abandon taking care of your health. It is the same with your inner state: if you stop taking care of yourself, the balance gradually falls apart.

Therefore, the first thing I want to tell you is:

Protect your wholeness. You did not come by it by chance. It came about through your labor, your choices, your tears. Through your mistakes and losses. Your patience and discipline. Your work on yourself.

You spent an enormous amount of strength, time, and energy to arrive at this state. And now your task is to preserve it.

It took time for you to become a whole woman.

Perhaps there were moments when you wanted to give up on everything. When it seemed like nothing was changing. You wanted to return to old habits. But you kept going. Step by step. And now here you are. Do not devalue that journey. Do not let anyone destroy what you spent so long building. Even if that person is very dear to you.

Remember one very important thought. No relationship is worth losing yourself over. Because if you lose yourself, you lose everything: your dreams, your confidence, and your inner anchor. And then the relationship stops bringing happiness. It turns into survival all over again. And you and I have already agreed that we no longer live in survival mode. Now we live in a state of choice.

That is why, going forward in this method, we will not be talking only about men. We will be talking first and foremost about you: your inner state, health, finances, boundaries, self-worth, and choices. And only after that—about a man. Because a happy relationship does not begin with meeting a man. It begins with a woman meeting herself. And only when that meeting has taken place, when a woman has become whole, calm, and internally grounded, can a man enter her life beside whom she will not lose herself. But on the contrary—can become even happier.

If you have already arrived at a state of wholeness, that does not mean you can now stop working on yourself. On the contrary, this is precisely when the most interesting part of your journey begins. Because it is one thing to become whole. And something else entirely to be able to maintain that state for years to come.

Wholeness is a daily choice. Every day, you are either strengthening your inner state or gradually destroying it with your thoughts, habits, lifestyle, environment, and decisions. Therefore, caring for yourself now becomes not a temporary task, but a way of life.

First and foremost, a woman must care for her health. And by health, I mean not only the physical state, but three key components:

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physical health;

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mental health;

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spiritual health.

It is precisely the harmony among these three dimensions that makes a woman truly resilient.

If only the body is developed, but the soul is completely forgotten, an emptiness appears within. If only spirituality is developed, but the body is completely neglected, over time the body begins to fail. If only the head is constantly working while the body gets no rest, a person quickly burns out. That is why it is essential to learn to live in balance.

We are given only one body. We will not have another. So treat it with gratitude.

Not because fashion demands it. Not because it is the accepted thing to do. But because it is through the body that you live your life. It is thanks to the body that you can love. Travel. Work. Hug your loved ones. Give birth to children. Create. Dream.

Therefore, caring for your body is an expression of self-love.

Keep an eye on your daily routine. Even if you deviate from it sometimes, that is nothing to worry about. But the routine itself must exist. Because chaos gradually destroys the body.

When a person goes to bed at different times. When they eat whatever happens to be around. When they work constantly without rest. When they live without a schedule. Over time, it is not only the body that suffers. The mind suffers too. Therefore, create a lifestyle for yourself that will give you strength, rather than drain it.

Be sure to give your body physical activity. Not because you need to conform to some standards of beauty. But because movement is life.

Choose the kind of activity that truly brings you joy. If you love sports, do sports. If you love dancing, dance. If you love swimming, swim. If you dislike the gym, do not force yourself. You can simply walk a lot. That is exactly what I do. When I do not feel like working out, I walk a lot. I stroll. I breathe the fresh air. This also helps keep you in good physical shape. The main thing is to never stop moving.

Eating well is very important. Not because you need to lose weight. But because food is energy. Your body is built out of what you eat. So think about it:

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Which foods give you strength?

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After what kind of food do you feel light?

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What nourishment makes you feel more energized?

Intermittent fasting might work for one person. Small, frequent meals might suit another. Someone else might need an entirely different regimen. There is no single right way for everyone. Study yourself. Listen to your body. And find the way of eating that works specifically for you.

Drink more clean water. If possible, give up alcohol. Or at least keep your consumption to a minimum. Alcohol never makes life better. Quite the contrary. Very often, it becomes a way to run away from problems. And you and I are no longer running away. We are learning to look life in the eye.

Do not forget to get medical checkups. At least once a year. Look after your health. Visit the dentist. Do not put off treatment.

Very often, people are ready to invest huge amounts of money in beautiful things, phones, cars, and travel. Yet they skimp on their own health. But health is the one thing that cannot be bought back once it is lost. You can earn new money. You can buy a new apartment. You can start a new business. But if you suffer a serious loss of health, getting it back can be very difficult. Therefore, take care of yourself.

This is especially important for a woman. I already told you about this in the previous method.

Not every woman is born with the facial features she considers ideal. And that is normal. But every woman can be well-groomed. Every woman can care for herself. Every woman can look dignified.

Not for the sake of men. Not for the sake of society. But for her own sake.

Because when a woman loves her body, she feels entirely different on the inside. She becomes more confident. Calmer. Softer. More feminine. And this beauty no longer comes only from her appearance. It comes from within.

Remember a simple thought. A whole woman does not wage war on her body. She does not hate herself. She does not berate her reflection every morning. She thanks her body. She cares for it and supports it. Because she understands: this is my home for my entire life. And it is precisely through love for one's body that love for oneself begins.

We talk so much about beauty. About appearance. About proper nutrition. About sports. But there is another kind of health that is often forgotten. It is mental health. And it is precisely this health that very often determines the quality of our life, our relationships, and the decisions we make every day.

Modern life is full of stress. Sometimes we do not even notice it. The constant rush. The news. Social media. Work. Responsibilities. Anxieties. Other people's expectations. All of this gradually accumulates inside. And if you do not learn to care for your psyche in the same way you care for your body, one day your organism will say "stop" on its own.

Mental exhaustion always begins quietly. You force yourself through your usual tasks, ignore your fatigue, and hope that everything will pass on its own. But when your external resources are depleted, your only true foundation is taking responsibility for your daily choices. Getting up in the morning and not betraying yourself. Taking at least one concrete step for the sake of your own state of being. Protecting your mental health means acknowledging that even when you are surrounded by total uncertainty, you have the right and the ability to influence how you will live this day.

Look at how closely connected our body, our appearance, and what happens inside our head really are. When you consciously begin to care for yourself, dress beautifully, and devote time to your appearance, a shift occurs in your consciousness. This is not about a superficial desire to please someone else. It is a direct signal to your own brain: "I matter, I am worthy of care." A deep-seated "I can" emerges. Add to this the mastering of new skills, reading, and an interest in the world. When we give the mind food for growth, the brain stops circling around insecurities. Self-esteem does not grow from empty praise in front of the mirror, but from real action and respect for your own path.

Our emotional health also depends on how we face life's inevitable trials. Pain is a natural part of our lives. Every one of us faces losses, betrayals, shattered plans, or physical illness. But remaining in suffering for years is already a choice. The difficult chapter you are facing today is merely one chapter of your story, not the entire book. Failures and mistakes serve as a natural part of moving forward. The main thing is not to stay lying down after a fall, but to get up and take the next step, day by day rebuilding your mindset from the inside out.

A huge part of inner peace lies in how we build connections with our loved ones and cope with the fear of loneliness. Often, tension and anxiety arise from trying to control adult children or turning them into the sole purpose of one's existence. But when you stop offering unsolicited advice, trade a controlling tone for a sincere "How are you?", and eliminate the struggle for influence, warmth emerges between you. And when you have your own life that is genuinely interesting to you, seeing each other becomes a joy rather than a loyalty test. Relationships with both children and grandchildren are built not on proving that you are right, but on creating a safe space where everyone is allowed to be themselves.

Caring for yourself—both bodily and psychologically—comes down to one simple state. Being in touch with yourself. Being for yourself. Investing in your life daily without expecting instant miracles. When a woman discovers this inner wholeness, her posture changes, along with her voice, her choice of company, and her very attitude toward the future. You stop running away and learn to look life in the eye, simply and with confidence.

That is why a whole woman does not ignore her inner state. She notices when she is tired. When she is emotionally drained. When she needs rest. When she needs to be alone. When she needs to talk to someone close to her. When she needs professional help. And there is nothing shameful about that.

It is very important to understand one thing. Being whole does not mean never feeling anxiety. It does not mean never crying, never worrying. We are living human beings. There will always be difficult periods in our lives. There will be situations that are impossible to foresee. But the difference is that before, you might have fallen apart under the weight of these events, whereas now you know how to live through them without destroying yourself. That is true inner maturity.

If you feel that you cannot cope on your own, do not be afraid to reach out to professionals. To a psychologist. To a therapist. To a doctor. This does not mean you are weak. It means you are wise enough to ask for help in time.

I already told you in the previous method that I saw a therapist myself. And I do not regret it in the least. Sometimes a few sessions are enough to see a situation completely differently. Sometimes one properly asked question can change the course of an entire life.

Therefore, do not be afraid to accept help. Wholeness does not mean that you must handle absolutely everything alone. You are not an iron lady.

Another very important part of life is spiritual development.

I never impose my religious views on anyone. Every person has the right to believe according to what they feel. Personally, I believe in God. And in my life, there have been many situations where it was faith that kept me from giving up. I believe that faith—no matter what it is in—must live within us. It gives us the feeling that we are not alone.

There were moments when it seemed there was no way out. When everything was falling apart. When it was terrifying and painful. And that was precisely when I turned to God. I went to church and asked for help, for strength. And each time, I felt that I was not alone.

For you, spiritual practice may look completely different. For one person, it is prayer. For another, reading Scripture. For someone else, visiting a church, a mosque, or another place where they feel connected to God. For another, meditation and conversations with the Universe. For still another, time spent in total silence.

It does not matter so much which specific practice you choose. What matters is something else: do not lose touch with your inner world. Do not let everyday bustle drown out your inner voice. Because very often, that voice is precisely what points in the right direction.

Sometimes we are so preoccupied with work, relationships, household chores, and the constant race that we stop hearing ourselves. We stop understanding what we want. We stop feeling our genuine desires. And then we begin living by other people’s expectations.